


Broken Hearts

by Lurkinginthecorner



Series: Broken Hearts [1]
Category: Hunger Games (2012) RPF, Josh Hutcherson - Fandom, Real Person Fiction, jennifer lawrence - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-01-20 20:14:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1524119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurkinginthecorner/pseuds/Lurkinginthecorner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh struggles to strike a balance between helping Jennifer deal with her painful break-up, and protecting his own heart, which has been secretly beating for her for a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This short fic (I'm planning for it to be 4 chapters long) is a prequel to my previous one-shot "December 23rd". No need to read it beforehand obviously, but I strongly suggest to read it at least after this 4-parter is complete if you want to read a happy ending.

The airport is unusually quiet as I make my way from the registering counter to the waiting room inside the terminal, Andre following me without a word. We’ve picked the earliest flight of the day in hopes of avoiding the paps, and it looks like it’s paying off; there’s not a single asshole in sight.

Relieved, I sit down on one of the chairs and get my phone out of my pocket. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Andre dropping next to me and doing the same. I light on the phone and I’m greeted by three new message notifications.

All from Jennifer.

This is nothing special or unusual. We text constantly when we’re away from each other, and this time, we’ve been apart for a whole week after we wrapped up the first part of filming _Catching Fire_ in Atlanta. We then both went our separate ways to promote our own movies before making the trip to Hawaii for the last part of the shoot.

What makes this particular string of messages odd though, is the tone she used, which isn’t playful at all. My heart tightens in my chest as I keep reading them over and over again, letting my index finger dance on the screen, searching for an appropriate answer.

JENNIFER: When are you supposed to arrive here?

JENNIFER: I miss you so much.

JENNIFER: I need you... ASAP.

I look at the timestamp, and realize she’s sent them all last night, all within the same five minutes. As I begin to type back my answer, I notice Andre’s insistent gaze on me and I look up at him.

“What?” I ask, my slight annoyance showing in my voice.

“Anything wrong? You look concerned,” he remarks.

I shrug.

“Jen,” I whisper, as a young couple enters the room and walks past us without recognizing me. “She sent me three messages last night.”

I let him take a look, carefully hiding my answer with my fingers. He frowns.

“She’s never talked to me on this tone,” I explain, staring at my half-written reply. “She never looked... needy or anything. There must be something on her mind. I don’t know. But I don’t like it.”

Not waiting for an answer from him, I resume my typing.

JOSH: I’m waiting to board the plane. Is everything ok? I miss you too.

After I hit the “Send” icon, I immediately curse myself. She’s already in Hawaii, and it’s very early here in LA, so it must be the middle of the night where she is. If she was asleep – and she has to, given the time – then I’m definitely gonna wake her up with my message. I sigh and close my eyes, trying to push away the thoughts that something is wrong with her. That she might be hurting, for some reason.

I can’t stand the thought of her being in pain.

The minutes pass, the room starts to light up with the sunrise as more passengers walk in, and my phone remains obstinately silent. When I’m finally convinced that she didn’t hear the notification sound and I haven’t woke her up, I feel a buzzing sensation inside my pocket.

“Oh, fuck,” I mutter, getting the phone out of my pocket. Andre shakes his head at me, smiling.

JENNIFER: It will be. Can’t wait to see you.

Now, it’s obvious that there’s something wrong.

JOSH: Sorry I woke you up, I forgot the timezones. I’ll be there soon.

I don’t have a chance to add anything or receive another message as we’re called to embark the plane, for what is sure to be a worrying ride for me.

 

* * *

 

 

I want to see her as soon as I get off the plane, but first, we have to make our way to my rental house to drop our luggage. While I unpack my stuff, Andre leaves the house to go buy us some food. My suitcases empty, I’m about to grab my phone and lie down on the couch when I’m surprised by a knocking on the door. I frown, make my way there and am greeted by a crying Jen, who immediately throws her arms around my neck, taking me aback completely. I kick the door closed and wrap my arms around her waist, hugging her as tightly as I can. Hearing her pained sobs on my shoulder makes my heart break.

“What’s wrong, hun?” I ask in a soft voice, raising one of my hands to cradle her head.

She lifts her head up, lets her arms slip away from my body and attempts to wipe her tears away. I grab one of her hands and lead her to the couch, where I sit and invite her to snuggle in my arms. She’s quick to take on the offer, curling up against my side, her head tucked under my chin. I run a hand slowly on her arm, waiting for her to open up on what’s been upsetting her since last night.

It takes a while of me petting her exposed skin, listening to her choking sobs, feeling the softness of her hair on my neck, before she finally takes a deep breath and speaks her first words.

“Nick broke up with me.”

I feel my heart squeeze in my chest. I wasn’t expecting this at all, and to be honest, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’d like to tell her that I’m sorry, that she’ll find better and all will be okay, but I know this is not what she wants to hear for now. She wants to hear that it’s all one big mistake and he’ll come back to her in no time.

But she needs me to be the best friend she’s always considered me to be. I can’t tell her just about anything. I need to be careful with what I say.

“I’m sorry,” I finally whisper, dropping a light kiss on top of her head. “Did he say why?”

She’s silent for a while, the only sound filling the room being that of her labored breathing. She clutches at my tank top like she’s scared I’ll go away too. It breaks me to see her in so much pain. I wish I could take it all away and just rewind to some better times before her world crumbled and fell.

I had imagined that day she would announce me she was no longer with Nick many, many times since I met her, a little less than two years ago. Naively, I thought it would be a blessing for us, I thought it would be an eye-opener for her, and she’d finally consider me a suitable romantic partner.

But here now, seeing her so broken in my arms, it’s hitting me square in the face. This is all about her, not me. And it hurts me more to see her in pain than it would to know that she’ll never love me the way I love her.

As the realization dawns on me, I try even harder to hide the feelings I’ve been fighting ever since I met her and rather focus on being a good friend to her.

Anyway, seeing her so upset, it’s obvious she still loves him deeply. And no matter the reason he broke up, he’ll realize the huge mistake he’s making in letting her go soon enough. And then they’ll get back together and we’ll be back to square one.

In the meantime, I just have to be strong for her, be the rock she craves, the best friend she needs so desperately.

After a while, as I’m convincing myself that she won’t answer, she starts to speak in a low voice.

“He said he wasn’t comfortable with my fame. We never thought, I mean, we knew it would be crazy after _The Hunger Games_ , but we never imagined... you know?”

I nod.

“I know.”

I don’t let it show, but I berate him in my head. What a coward. What a stupid reason for breaking the heart of such a wonderful woman. He didn’t know his fortune, didn’t realize what a lucky man he was to be the one Jennifer Lawrence had chosen to love.

How I wish I could be that man. But it’s obvious it’s never gonna happen.

I hear her sobs pick up again, and I begin to feel guilty for thinking about myself when I should be looking for a way to comfort her.

I’m such a shitty friend.

When I tighten my hold on her arm, hoping to give her some comfort, she leans closer into me and lifts her legs over my lap to tie herself more easily to my body. I slide my other arm around her waist, bringing her closer to me. She burrows her face in the space between my neck and shoulder, and I let out a deep sigh.

“I’m here,” I whisper, rubbing her back tenderly. “You can count on me.”

She slowly raises her head up to face me. Her teary eyes make a sharp pain hit me in my chest. She cradles my face gently and nods.

“Thank you.”

I swallow thickly. We’ve never shied away from physical affection, but this, her almost sitting on my lap, her arms locked around my neck, her lips so close to mine, is totally new. I feel my heart beating faster as her face gets impossibly closer to mine, and as much as I would hope to keep under control the rush of arousal she’s unknowingly making me have, I feel my dick stiffen in my shorts. As her thumbs caress the smooth skin of my cheeks and I start to feel her sweet breath blowing on my face, I close my eyes. Right before her mouth can make contact with my own, I press my forehead against hers and shake my head lightly.

“Don’t,” I whisper. “You’ll regret it.”

She pulls away slightly, and I open my eyes to take in her expression. It’s obvious by her concerned stare that she’s figured out the hurt and disappointment I feel. But I can’t do that. Can’t let her do something that would add to her guilt of not being good enough for him. Can’t take advantage of her vulnerability.

“I’m sorry,” she says, looking down. “I’m so...”

“Shhhh,” I say, pulling her to me, dropping a kiss on her forehead as she nestles herself in my arms again. “Don’t be. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard you must be hurting right now.”

Being dumped by the love of your life for such a silly reason after a relationship of two years. No, I can’t say that I relate.

“I wasn’t expecting it,” she lets out, her hand absent-mindedly caressing my chest. “He had never hinted at anything. Our lives haven’t changed much between this summer and now. So why is it a problem just now?”

“He had given you no clues?”

“No hints at all.”

“When did you see him last?”

She’s silent for a moment, likely searching through her memories for an answer.

“Last month. When we went to the theater.”

I immediately recall that night. Nick had been visiting her for a few days, and I was going crazy with jealousy, seeing her looking at him with stars in her eyes and seeking every opportunity to touch him. I had resigned myself to call my friend Chloe and invite her to join me in Atlanta, so that I could distract myself from the sight of the two lovebirds. We had been seeing each other casually all throughout summer, enjoying each other’s company – and body – without making any promises. Secretly, I was hoping for Jennifer to change her mind regarding me.

I was dumb.

So Chloe flew to Atlanta, and while Jen was busy with her boyfriend, I acted like one towards her, going on dates, including going to the movies the same night and at the same theater Nick and Jen went. They didn’t see us but I did see them. It was a slap in the face, for me.

“You looked both happy,” I recall.

“Yeah. He wasn’t, I guess.”

I feel a tear drop on my chest. She tightens her hold on my upper body, and I rub her back gently, trying to convey with my gestures what I can’t say with words.

I can’t help what comes out of my mouth next.

“You deserve so much better, Jen.”

She straightens up quickly and gazes at me, lifting a hand to wipe her eyes. I bite my lip, regretting my words already.

“I’m sorry,” I say, looking down. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s okay,” she says in a low voice. “You’re not the first to tell me, you know.”

“Who else?”

“Who do you think?”

It doesn’t take me long to figure it out.

“Blaine.”

She nods. She’s always been closest to her older brother. As much as he teases her, he’s also a wonderful confident and advice-giver. Much, much better than I ever could be. I don’t even understand why she’s seeking my comfort in the first place, when I’m making everything so much worse with my own selfishness and my awkwardness.

But she’s stopped crying, and she’s looking at me with a face full of relief. I figure the rush of emotions has passed, so I decide to try and change her mood.

“Are you hungry?”

“Not much.”

“Come on... it’s way past lunchtime. You should be dying of hunger by now. What about we order some pizza?”

She gives me a small smile and a nod, and as I’m about to lift her off my hips, I hear the front door open and Andre’s voice resonate in the living room as he’s getting closer.

“I got everything for the barbecue ton-“

He stops dead in his tracks as he takes in our suggestive position on the couch. I can’t help a little chuckle at his horrified expression.

“It’s not what you think, Andre,” I say, holding back a laughter.

Even Jen manages a warm grin. Andre is quick to slip into the kitchen, leaving us alone. But before I can make another move to stand up, she plants her feet solidly onto the couch and cradles my face with her hands.

This time, though, she doesn’t make a move to try to kiss me. Instead, she gives me a look full of gratitude, and whispers.

“Thank you so much Josh, for being there.”

“It’s alright,” I reply, holding her gaze as best as I can. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

She lets out a deep, relieved breath that feels like a punch in the gut.

“Yes, you’re right.”

When we’re finally both on our feet, she hugs me one last time, and then she surprises me with a total change of mood.

“Come on. That pizza won’t order itself.”

 

* * *

 

 

We start filming the next day. Jen seems to have forgotten everything that happened prior to her trip to Hawaii. She focuses on her work, acts like the cheerful girl I fell in love with, doesn’t say a word about her ex.

But I know this is just a façade. We’re still sharing a trailer, and on some breaks, I catch her crying in our common room. I try to let her grieve in private when I guess in her eyes that she wants to be alone, and I swallow my own feelings to soothe her when I sense that she rather needs the comfort of my arms to feel better.

Slowly, the crying comes to a stop, until she just looks numb to it all. She attempts to cover her sadness by being extra playful on set, but when she hides in the trailer, she just lies down on the couch and stares at a random spot until I sit down next to her and pull her into my side, reassuring her that everything will be okay, that she will make it through.

The more I see her hurting, the angrier at him I feel. But I don’t let it out. It’s not my place to get involved.

One day, a week or so after our arrival, I find her in the trailer lying down on her side on the couch, her loose hair covering her face as she looks like she’s sleeping. The sun peeking through the small window lights her body with a warm glow. I kneel down next to her and brush her hair away from her eyes, gently caressing her skin in the movement. She looks so peaceful.

“I hate to see you in pain,” I whisper, expecting her to rouse from her sleep, but she doesn’t. She must have barely slept since she arrived here, if she falls asleep like this just anywhere. “I wish you could go back in time, and he’d tell you how uncomfortable he is with your new lives, and that instead of running away like a coward, he’d stay with you and find a solution with you.”

Her face relaxes as I keep stroking her hair gently, but she doesn’t wake up.

“I know you love him,” I add, my voice surprisingly strong despite the ache I feel at admitting this. “You deserve nothing but the best. I wish he’d understand how lovely you are. How lucky he is that you love him.”

I close my eyes, trying to will the tears not to fall.

“I love you, Jen,” I confess, pressing on my eyelids with my fingers to hold back my tears.

I’m silent for a moment, unable to add anything.

“He’ll come back to you.”

It hurts me to admit it, but deep down, I know it’s the truth. And I know he’ll realize what he’s missing on soon enough. It just sucks that while he’s getting his shit together, she has to deal with so much pain.

After a while of me caressing her hair and softly running my fingertips over her smooth skin, she slowly opens her eyes and smiles a little when she takes in my reassuring face.

“Did I sleep a lot?” she murmurs.

“I don’t think so,” I reply in a soft voice, swiftly taking my hand away from her dark hair. She’s quick to grab my hand in passing and bring it to her lips. I take a deep breath to try and hide the rush of emotions she’s making me feel. “Maybe an hour or so. We’re on break until it stops raining, at least.”

Ever since we’ve started shooting in the jungle, we’ve had to stop for hours on end every day while the daily rain showers pour over the area. Usually, we’d retreat in our trailers to watch a movie curled up on the couch or read a book.

Jen sits up on the couch, patting the spot next to her to invite me to sit. I stand up to join her, and she’s quick to snuggle against my chest and rest her head on my shoulder.

“You needed it, I think,” I whisper, rubbing her arm gently as she picks on the fabric of my t-shirt. “Are you having insomnia?”

“Yes. I can’t stop thinking, can’t stop trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

“You did nothing wrong, Jen,” I say, my heart tightening at the thought of her feeling responsible for the shit her ex-boyfriend put them in. “You’re not responsible for him learning to deal with your career.”

“I don’t know, Josh. It’s not easy to deal with the paparazzi shooting insults at us, with the press leaking rumors about you...”

I bite my lower lip in an attempt to keep what I’m thinking to myself. It wouldn’t help her to know what I think about it. I’d rather let her figure it out herself, if my suspicions are correct.

But as always, she’s more perceptive than I give her credit for. She knows me too well to interpret my silence for anything other than keeping something away from her. She raises her head up from my shoulder to stare at me, looking for a silent confirmation that she’s right.

“What do you think?” she finally asks.

“Jen...” I look away.

“Please, Josh. I want the truth. I need it.”

I sigh.

“I think...”

I shake my head. There’s no way I can tell her that without passing for an asshole.

“Josh!”

“Okay, okay.” I let out a huge breath and dare to look back at her. “I think... I think he might have a hard time dealing with the fact that you’re more successful than him.”

I expect her to get mad at me, to accuse me of being jealous of him – which, let’s be honest, I am – or to dismiss my thoughts. But instead, her gaze softens, and she nods lightly.

“It does make sense, you know. I hadn’t thought about it... no, it definitely makes sense.”

“I wish it wouldn’t, though. That’s pretty shitty of him if it’s the truth.”

“How would you feel if you were in his place?”

I lose myself in her blue eyes for a moment, trying to imagine a life in which I’d be her boyfriend. We’d have the paps following us all the time, yelling insults at us to get a reaction. The media would refer to me as Jennifer Lawrence’s boyfriend, and not as myself anymore.

But my heart swells at the thought of witnessing her success firsthand, of being there for her during stressful times, of riding with her the rollercoaster of emotions that come with completing projects.

“I think I would be proud.”

Her lips turn into a small smile.

“Really?”

“How could I not? You’re just amazing. I would thank my good fortune everyday that you paid attention to a dork like me.”

She playfully slaps my chest, and I feel a warm sensation invade my body at the thought that I finally managed to make her laugh.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” she says.

“I never said the opposite!” I wink.

She shakes her head, wrapping her arms around my neck. Suddenly, I realize how much closer to me she’s sitting, how her warm breath on my cheek makes my skin erupt into goosebumps, how her fruity scent is invading my nostrils, how the sight of her plump lips approaching mine has me licking my own in anticipation. Her hands slide along the side of my head to rest on each side of my jaw, and I stop thinking when her mouth makes contact with mine. It’s sweet, it’s tender, it’s loving.

I don’t reason anymore. I let myself be consumed by the desire I’ve withheld for the past two years.

Just one kiss.

I’ll indulge in this one kiss, and then it will be over. She’ll have the comfort and love she needs, and then, she’ll fight back for the one she truly wants.

And I’ll keep the memory with me.

I close my eyes tightly as I feel her climb over my lap to straddle me. My arms find their natural resting place on her back, and I let my hands slip under her tank top to wander all over her skin. She sighs and opens her mouth, pressing her insisting tongue on my lips until I grant her entrance. She moans loudly, and I suck gently on her lower lip, pulling her body as close to mine as I can. I try to pay no attention to my growing erection, but she has definitely noticed it and she keeps teasing me by rubbing her center on it. I sigh as her mouth detaches from mine and she starts dropping light kisses along the side of my jaw, stopping just beneath my ear to suck on the sensitive flesh there. I’m lost in a whirlwind of sensations and emotions, one that I wish would never stop.

I feel like I’m dreaming.

But then, as her hand starts traveling down to the waistband of my shorts, I suddenly realize where we’re heading, and how dangerous of a game we’re playing.

“Jen...” I whisper as I feel her fingers brush on the fine hair that lead to my most private part.

“Hmmmm?” she replies, the vibration on my skin forcing me let out a sigh.

“We have to stop.”

I look down as she straightens up. I imagine her disappointed face, but I have no other choice. I can’t do this. It’s not a good idea for me, and it’s not for her either.

“I can’t be your rebound, Jen,” I whisper, finally chancing a glance at her lustful gaze. The desire I see in her eyes only convinces me more that I’m doing the right thing. She needs a release, not a new lover. And as much as I want to help her, I need to think of myself too. “It would kill me.”

She nods, and half-heartedly, she climbs out of my lap.

“I’m sorry,” I add, shifting my body to try and conceal my erection as best as I can.

“Don’t be,” she replies, walking to the window to check the weather outside. “I went too far.”

“It’s not that-“

“You’re not attracted to me, I understand.”

“Jen!”

“I’m hungry,” she says dryly, before making her way to the door without a look back. “See you at crafty.”

 

* * *

 

 

That night, despite the cool air in the room from the AC and the soothing sound of the ocean waves I can hear through the opened window, I struggle to find sleep. I’m still feeling Jen’s lips traveling on my skin, her hands exploring my body, and still imagining my own hands worshipping her luscious curves.

I don’t regret stopping it when things started to get heated. I know I would have regretted letting her go further.

As I focus on the white ceiling of my bedroom, I try to find a solution to stop thinking about her.

I know she often parties late, so I take a chance, grabbing my phone on the bedside table to text her.

JOSH: Hey, what are you up to these days?

I close my palm around my phone and drop it on my chest while I wait for her answer, which is quick to come in.

CHLOE: Nothing special. Aren’t you in Hawaii?

I smile softly.

JOSH: How would you like a little Hawaiian vacation?

It briefly registers in my mind that I’m using her for my own benefit, but at the same time, who wouldn’t enjoy a paid vacation trip to Hawaii? No matter what happens, she’s getting plenty out of the deal.

And it’s always been clear between us that it was nothing serious. We’re just having fun together. She can’t be expecting anything else.

I stare at my phone for a while, until her reply comes in.

CHLOE: Anytime!

Great. I figure it’s too late to settle the details, so I simply reply that I’ll call her back in the morning. I toss the phone back on the table and close my eyes, trying to find again that elusive sleep.

After a few minutes of tossing and turning though, it becomes obvious that I’m nowhere near able to fall asleep. I give up and get out of my bed, walking to the dresser to put on a white t-shirt. I grab my phone and drop it in my pocket before making my way to the back door, slipping on my flip flops. I open the patio door and quietly step on the wooden terrace. The beach is inviting, with the moon reflecting on the peaceful ocean and lighting up the whole place with a subtle shine. I decide to go for a walk on the beach to try and clear my thoughts, but then my attention is drawn to the neighbor house.

The one Jen is renting.

There’s a form lying on a lounge chair, a form I would recognize anywhere. I turn and walk to her in silence. As I get closer, I also see her better. She’s wearing a black tank top with spaghetti straps and dark shorts. Her hand is resting on her chest, clenched in a fist. One of her legs is slightly bent. Her eyes are closed and she’s got her earphones on. She looks like she’s sleeping.

But I know better.

I walk up the steps and sit on a bench next to her head. She’s quick to open her eyes and frown, before taking the earphones off.

“You’re not sleeping?” she asks in a raspy voice.

I shake my head.

“What were you listening to?” I ask, not waiting for her answer to snatch her earphones from her hand and plug them into my ears. The slow, melancholic melody makes my heart turn in my chest. “ _Unbreak My Heart_?”

She looks down.

“Jen...”

“Don’t.”

She’s laying her cheek on the back of the chair, her eyes shut, closing in like a wounded animal. I observe her for a moment, before giving up on holding back and letting myself pet the side of her head gently, running my fingertips over her skin in what I hope is a soothing manner.

“I just hate seeing you hurting,” I say in a low voice.

“That’s why you couldn’t sleep?”

I swallow heavily.

“No.”

“Then why? Because you pitied me that I thought you could be attracted to me?” she says, her voice a little louder and full of bitterness.

“Jen... you know that’s not why I did what I did.” She opens her eyes and stares at me, pain filling her orbs. “You still love him. It’s just a matter of time before he comes back to you. I know you too well. You would have felt guilty. As if you were cheating on him. I’m not gonna let you do that. Not on my watch,” I smile, and she returns it a little.

“I’m so confused,” she murmurs, straightening up on her chair.

“I know. You need to give yourselves time,” I say, trying to muster my most steady voice, hiding as best as I can the hurt that pushing her to go back into his arms is making me feel. I’ve long since figured out that she wouldn’t love me more even if she weren’t dating him. “Give him time to realize that he’s making a mistake. Don’t lose hope just yet, it’s not over.”

She gives me an unreadable stare. If she sees my torment, she doesn’t let it show.

“Come on,” I say, standing up and lending her a hand. “Go to sleep. We need to be on set early.”

I lead her without a word to her bedroom, and help her slip into her bed and cover herself with the blanket. As I’m about to go, she grabs my hand and forces me back on the bed.

“It’s gonna sound needy and pathetic, but would you mind sleeping here with me? I’m selfish to think that way, but... I can’t forget when I’m alone in that huge bed. Please?”

I stare at her pleading eyes for a second, weighing the good of her idea. I decide it can’t end badly, and so I nod, drop my phone on her bedside table and climb into bed next to her, welcoming her in my arms as she snuggles into the crook of my neck and presses the whole length of her body against me. Her breath on my neck makes me shudder, and I close my eyes when she whispers her last words before finally falling asleep.

“Thank you so much Josh, for being there for me. I need you.”

 

* * *

 

 

I’m a bit disoriented when I wake up to the sight of long dark locks covering my chest. The morning sun shines through the blinds, making her hair shimmer under the light. I yawn and turn my head to watch her face. She’s still asleep, looking peaceful as ever, a hint of a smile on her lips.

I haven’t seen her looking this relaxed since before we left for Hawaii.

I stretch my free arm to grab my phone on the bedside table and look at the time. It’s barely past 5 am. I know we’ll have to get up soon, but I can’t bring myself to wake her up. And selfishly, I want to enjoy her closeness for as long as possible. I know it won’t happen again anytime soon, maybe never ever again even. She was desperate for sleep last night, desperate for a way to empty her mind just for a few hours, and for a reason I can’t quite grasp, my presence seemed to help her put her mind off the things that have been worrying her.

I put the phone back on the table, close my eyes and try to etch into my mind the sensation of her body melting into mine, her arm draped across my torso, her breath warm on my skin.

After a while, though, I have to resign myself to wake her up, and so I begin gently rubbing my fingers all over her back until she opens her deep blue eyes and frowns upon seeing me.

“You asked me to stay,” I immediately reply to her unvoiced question while promptly attempting to sit up. “I’ll go. Just-“

“No,” she quickly answers, pressing on my chest to keep me from standing up. “I remember now. Did you sleep well?”

“I did. Did you?”

“I hadn’t slept that well since I left LA.”

“Great. You’re gonna need all the rest you can get. These days will only get longer and crazier, you know.”

“Yeah. I know.”

I stare into her eyes for a moment, trying to figure out how she feels. Slowly, she slides her hand up my chest until she’s reached my cheek, which she cups in her palm, her eyes still locked on mine.

“Thank you for staying with me,” she whispers. I simply nod in response.

“It’s alright.”

She sighs.

“About yesterday-“

“Shhhh. No. There’s nothing to say. We caught ourselves on time. Don’t worry about that.”

A brief cloud of sadness passes in her eyes, as she slowly nods. I force a small smile so she won’t see how much it pains me to brush it off as if it were nothing. As if it truly meant nothing to me. As if my heart wasn’t racing at the slight possibility that she could have feelings for me too.

But when I recall the state I found her in on her balcony last night, I quickly remember that she’s just heartbroken. Maybe confused, too. Maybe she had forgotten who I was for a moment, and was imagining that she was kissing Nick instead.

I think I would rather never have gotten the chance to kiss her like that.

“Come on,” I say, encircling her with my arms in a tight hug. “We need to get ready for work.”

Reluctantly, she lets me go. I stand up, pick up my phone and slip my flip flops on. Before leaving, I turn around to face her.

“If you need me again, just let me know.”

She nods, and I walk back outside. It’s only as I reach my house that I remember I might not be able to fulfill that promise while Chloe is here.


	2. Chapter 2

Chloe arrives in Honolulu a few days later, right as we wrap up filming for the day. Andre picks her up at the airport to drive her to her hotel so she can drop her luggage, before heading back to the house with her to attend an impromptu cast and crew party.

As I wait for them to come back, I start working on the food, grilling burgers and breads on the hibachi. Once in a while, Sam, Jeffrey or Woody walk up to me to offer me a hand, but most of the time, they’re all too wrapped up in playing Frisbee on the beach, diving into the swimming pool or just chilling with a blunt under the setting sun to pay any attention to me.

I like it that way. Not only is my mind overfilled by thoughts, but my own attention keeps going back to Jen, who’s sitting on the side of the pool, her legs dipping motionlessly in the water, her face looking sad until the girls – first Jena, then Laura and Stephanie – seem to make it their mission to cheer her up. I notice they keep throwing looks in my direction, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why they could be talking about me. Did she tell them about our near mistake? Did she confess to anybody that we spent most of last night cuddled up in bed together?

The slight look of longing on her face as she gazes at me makes me uneasy, and so I focus my attention back on the food to try and forget what I just imagined. Maybe she’s just pissed at me and she needed to tell somebody. It would make sense, really, after the way I reacted to her open flirting yesterday. Maybe I should have gone all the way and offered her the relief she desperately craved, the reprieve from yearning for her ex-boyfriend that having sex with me would have brought her, if only for a moment. Maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish, she wouldn’t be looking so miserable now.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and try to think of something else. I can’t wait for Chloe to arrive so I can distract myself with her smile, her laugh, her lips.

At least, I hope I can.

I’ve just turned the grill off when Andre and Chloe make their way into the yard. She sprints towards me and jumps into my arms, almost making me lose my balance as I hold her in my arms tightly.

“I missed you so much, Josh!” she cheerfully announces. “Thank you so much for the invite, you’re the best!”

“I’m glad you’re here,” I reply, my gaze locking with Jen’s momentarily. She looks stunned at first, then hurt, visibly struggling to swallow her saliva and taking deep breaths. Chloe pulls away and I frown, before shaking my head a little, confused, and leading her to the grill so I can fill her a plate.

As I gather Chloe’s food and she picks a drink from the icebox, telling me all about her flight in a never-ending babble I barely pay attention to, Sam jogs over to me and grabs my arm to catch my attention.

“May I speak to you man?” His gaze switches to Chloe, still bent over the icebox. “In private.”

“Yeah, sure.” I lean down to speak in Chloe’s ear. “I’ll be back soon.”

She looks up and gives me a simple nod. I follow Sam into the house, all the way to the living room, away from prying eyes and ears. When we stop in front of the couch, I raise my eyebrows expectantly and cross my arms, staring him down as I wait for him to tell me what’s on his mind.

“So?” I start, when his hard gaze gets too heavy.

“What are you doing?” he asks, mimicking my position. I frown.

“What do you mean?”

He looks away and sighs in a disappointed manner.

“Come on, Josh. You’re smarter than that. You can’t tell me you haven’t seen the way she’s been looking at you all night. Hell, the way she’s been looking at you all the time since, oh, at least the time I got cast in this movie?”

I look down, pursing my lips angrily, before lifting my gaze back up sharply to shoot him an icy glare.

“What am I supposed to do, Sam? Tell me! You think you see something, well, I can tell you it’s not that. She must have told you her asshole of a boyfriend broke her heart right before we left?”

“She did,” he sighs.

“See. Now I ask you, what am I supposed to do? She’s hurting, so I try to comfort her as best as I can, try to give her hope – because there’s no way he won’t come back to her soon, you don’t push away Jennifer Lawrence, you just don’t. Yes, we have to focus on her well-being for now. But it kills me!”

I pause, before speaking in a lower voice.

“And you fucking know why.”

My feelings for Jennifer have never been a secret for Sam. Ever since we met, he’s been able to read me like a book. So he quickly figured it out by himself, and he’s been supporting me in my attempts to move on ever since. But tonight, his efforts at insinuating that I’m not doing the best I can to help her are just pissing me off.

And as his face turns into a smile and he shakes his head at the same time, I feel even more frustrated.

“What the fuck, Sam?”

“You really have no clue, haven’t you?” he chuckles. “She’s in love with you, dummy.”

I roll my eyes and shake my head, letting out a huge breath of frustration.

“Are you fucking kidding me? She’s been crying her eyes out because she’s been missing her stupid boyfriend ever since we landed here. She doesn’t sleep at night because she longs for him. Stop your delusions right now, it really doesn’t help.”

I turn around and walk to the kitchen, opening the fridge to fetch a bottle of beer. As I remove the cap and swallow down a few gulps, Sam makes his way to me and leans over the counter to speak in a hushed voice.

“You can tell yourself whatever you want. But we all know what happened in your trailer yesterday.”

I stare at him in disbelief, before bursting in a fit of laughter.

“Oh Sam,” I say, shaking my head. “I don’t know what you think happened, but the truth is that nothing happened. Nothing at all.”

“Not true.”

“I swear.”

“You made out.”

I lean back against the counter and sigh, staring at the sticker on my bottle to avoid Sam’s teasing eyes.

“Okay,” I admit. “She kissed me. I don’t know why.”

He chuckles.

“You’re so oblivious, Josh!”

“I’m not!” I say, a little too loud given how close to the back door we are. “Look, I’ve been doing my best to reassure her, to be there for her, but I have needs too, you know? I feel selfish, but it’s true. The last thing I want is to feel like I’ve taken advantage of her. So I won’t let it escalate. And it starts with Chloe.”

I drink more beer, waiting for him to reply. When he doesn’t, I chance a glance at him and find him looking totally discouraged.

“Josh...” he starts on a serious tone, while opening the fridge to grab a beer for himself. “Have you seen her face when you hugged your friend?”

“How could I miss it,” I sigh. “Of course I’ve seen her face. She was doing fine with everyone else before she arrived. She’ll be fine still. Anyway, she’s just staying for a few days.”

Just long enough to help me forget any idea I could have of Jen returning my feelings.

“I don’t know why she would be jealous, really,” I add. “She’s always made it clear that she wasn’t interested in me in that way. And if she’s scared to lose me as a friend, well... she’s got lots of other friends around her. I’m disposable, in her eyes.”

I dare to look at him. He’s staring at me with his mouth wide open in disbelief.

“Are you hearing yourself right now? Do you realize the shit you’ve been saying?”

“It’s true, Sam! She doesn’t need me! Not really! She never has!”

“Okay, okay,” he says, looking out the window to make sure no one heard me. I pace the kitchen, getting angrier by the second. “If you say so. But please... can you keep the PDA on the down low in front of her?”

I stop dead in my tracks and turn around to face him, shocked.

“I didn’t fly her here to flaunt a relationship in her face, you know me better than that,” I mutter with gritted teeth. “I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m sorry for being human,” I chuckle sarcastically, looking away as I feel tears burning my eyelids.

Thankfully for me, Chloe chooses that moment to seek me inside. As she laces her arms around my torso, I exchange one last look with Sam before he makes his way back to the yard.

“It’s not over, Josh.”

“I know.”

“What was he talking about?” Chloe asks innocently, and I shrug.

“Nothing. Nothing important.”

She smiles and presses her lips against mine, first lightly, then more urgently. I indulge, but somehow, I can’t take Jen’s hurt eyes away from my mind. So I’m quick to stop the kiss and take her hand to lead her back outside instead.

“Come on,” I say. “Let’s go back.”

“Wait! What about tonight? Am I staying at your house or you’re coming to my hotel room?”

I scan the people on the lawn, looking for Jen for some reason, but I can’t find her. I turn back to face Chloe’s expectant face, and I sigh.

“Let me think about it. We’ll see.”

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

I’m relieved that Chloe doesn’t follow me into the backyard straightaway, as I keep looking for Jennifer but I can’t seem to find her anywhere. I spot Sam lying on the side of the pool, speaking to his fiancée while she bathes in the warm water. I briefly think of asking him, but I’m not ready to resume the heated conversation I was having with him before Chloe interrupted us.

Instead, I look around and finally see Jena carefully placing a towel on a chair and getting ready to lie down. Sensing my presence, she looks up at me and gives me a sad smile.

“I know what you’re looking for,” she starts before I even have a chance to say a word. “Or who, rather. She went back to her place. Said she wasn’t feeling good.”

I nod.

“Thank you.”

I glance at her house and quickly decide to go make sure she’s okay. But before I can move, Jena grabs my arm.

“Hey,” she says, and I turn around to face her. “I know you’re doing your best to support her. She knows it too, you know.”

Unable to reply, I just nod.

“Come on. I can see you’re dying to talk to her. I know you’ll make it better, somehow.”

“Thank you Jena,” I say, a shy smile on my lips.

Before I start my stroll over there, I look for Andre, whom I quickly spot playing Frisbee on the beach with some crew members. I motion for him to join me, and he jogs over to me, staring at me inquisitively.

“What’s up?”

“Jen is gone. I need to see her. If Chloe looks for me, can you tell her I’ll be back?”

“Yeah, sure.” He pats my back gently. “Come on, go.”

“Thanks, man.”

A quick look around tells me that Chloe is still inside. I don’t want her to stop me on my way and question me, and so I hurry to sneak away from the party, running through Jen’s land until I reach her balcony. I walk up the stairs and knock on her door discreetly.

I wait what seems like forever, throwing a nervous glance at the party next door every once in a while. When she still hasn’t answered, I decide to call her.

“Jen? It’s me. Josh. I know you’re here. Can I come in?”

After a few seconds, I finally hear footsteps getting closer to the door. She opens it and quickly turns around to hide her face, muttering a shy “Come in”. I follow her to her living room. She stops in front of the white leather couch, her back to me, and her hand resting on the fabric.

When I don’t say a word, she breaks the silence.

“What do you want? Your girlfriend is gonna miss you,” she lets out bitterly.

“What girlfriend?” I answer on a neutral tone.

She finally turns around and rolls her eyes.

“The one you flew over here to have an excuse not to spend time with me.”

“Jen... you can’t possibly be thinking that.”

“What, of course I can.”

I walk closer to her and put my hands on her arms, rubbing up and down carefully.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you. That’s not what I wanted to do, at all. You have to know that.”

She looks down shyly.

“Jen?”

She shrugs, looking away.

“Why are you acting like you’re jealous?” I ask her, my eyes seeking hers. “I don’t understand. She’ll be there just for a few days. We’ll still spend our whole days together at work, just as usual. I promised you I’d be there for you. What’s the matter?”

She sits on the couch and runs a hand over her face, taking a deep breath.

“It’s nothing, Josh, really.”

I frown. Somehow, I can’t quite understand why Chloe’s presence makes her so upset. And then, suddenly, it clicks.

“I’m sorry if... if it makes you think of him and miss him. I didn’t expect her to jump on me that way...”

“It’s okay, Josh. You don’t have to justify yourself. Look, she didn’t fly all the way here to spend the night with Andre, right? You should go back to her now. Anyway, I’m tired, that’s why I came back early. I’m gonna go to sleep.”

I crouch down in front of her and slide my palms on her thighs until I can grab her cold hands in mine. When our fingers lock themselves together, she looks up at me.

“Call me if you need anything,” I say in a soft voice. “Never hesitate. I don’t care that Chloe is here. If you really need me... I’ll be there. Okay?”

She nods, tears filling her beautiful, sad eyes.

“See you tomorrow?” I ask.

“See you tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

 

After, I walk back to the party and just pretend to enjoy myself. It’s not hard to blend in the mix since just about everyone is either drunk or stoned, and paying no attention to me at all. I spend my time on the side of the pool, nursing a single beer, while my coworkers seem to have adopted Chloe as one of their own.

It takes a couple more hours before the guests all leave. I end up driving with Chloe to her hotel so we can use some privacy away from Andre. I feel bad for being far from Jen, but at the same time, I know it’s for the best.

As much as I tried to convince her she could call me anytime she needed to, I knew she wouldn’t do it for as long as Chloe would be here. She’s way too proud for that.

And as much as I had hoped to distract myself from Jennifer by sharing a bed with another girl, after a few nights, I have to admit that it doesn’t work at all. During the day, I witness the strong façade Jen builds around herself, acting silly like she’s always used us to, playing around with me on set the same way she always has before we made our way here. To anyone from the outside, we look like two kids having the time of their lives.

But I know better.

At night, she’s always quick to retreat to her house, eclipsing herself as soon as Chloe is in sight. Chloe, for her part, is enjoying the trip way too much to pay attention to my best friend’s odd behavior.

The sex is good, but I can’t ever seem to get my mind off Jennifer. When Chloe kisses me, all I can think of is Jen’s soft lips capturing my mouth hungrily. When she touches me, I can’t help but recall Jen’s hands wandering all over my body, latching onto the muscles of my back as she tries to get closer to me.

When she comes and cries my name, I surprise myself replacing her voice with Jen’s in my mind.

After four days of repeating that game, I can’t stand it anymore. Fortunately, I don’t need to convince Chloe that she should go back home to LA, since she has previous commitments to honor. Andre offers to drive her to the airport, and I find myself extremely thankful for that. I say goodbye to her on the balcony of my house, early in the morning.

“Can I call you when you come back?” she asks, hugging me.

“Yeah, sure. I’m gonna fly back to Kentucky once we wrap here, but I should be back home in LA sometime in January. Call me then.”

“Okay. Well... thank you so much for the trip, Josh. I enjoyed it a lot.”

“I’m glad you had fun. Have a safe trip back home.”

“Thanks.”

She follows Andre to the car and I let out a relieved sigh. I still don’t know how I’ll deal with the delicate situation with Jennifer, though.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as Chloe is gone, Jen seems to relax a lot more around me. As if she was scared of doing something inappropriate while the one she believed to be my girlfriend – despite my making it clear several times that it was just a casual relationship – was around. Now that she’s not here anymore, she can let her true personality shine.

Slowly, day after day, her good mood from shooting starts to follow her into the night. She’s smiling more, she doesn’t hide herself to cry any longer.

But she still barely seeks me out once filming wraps for the day. I try to convince myself that it’s better that way, even though it hurts.

I’m beginning to realize that as long as she asked me to be there for her, it would fuel my desire for her. The truth is that I still feel strongly for her. Still dream of being able to love her openly – and have her love me in return. Still hope for that fantasy to turn into reality some day.

But that day won’t be today.

With a little more than a week left to film, I finally feel as if we’re back to being the good friends we’ve always been when she invites me over to spend the night at her place, just the two of us, like we’ve done so many times back in Atlanta.

And when we decide to cuddle on the couch to watch TV, just as usual, I don’t even think about my feelings for her. I just embrace our regained closeness. And enjoy seeing that it seems like she’s genuinely starting to move on from him.

If by now he still hasn’t understood what a precious jewel he let go, maybe he’ll never realize it, after all.

“This show is so ridiculous,” she says with a smile, bending to grab the remote from the coffee table. I make myself comfortable, extending my arms over the back of the couch and lifting my legs to stretch them over the length of it. She stops in front of me, staring at me with a huge smile before lightly parting my legs and lying down between them, her back resting on my chest and her head tucked under my chin. I close my arms around her body and sigh.

It seems I haven’t felt so good in ages.

She flips through channels until she settles on a movie. I don’t even pay attention to it. I just hope she doesn’t realize the effect that her butt pressing between my legs is having on me.

We both try to focus our attention on the movie, but I’m hopelessly distracted. The sound of her regular breathing, the weight of her body on my chest, the light touch of her fingers gently caressing mine, are driving me crazy.

“I missed you, you know,” I let out in a small voice, immediately regretting breaking the moment.

She lifts her head slightly to see me.

“I was there the whole time.”

“You know what I mean. I’m glad you’re doing better.”

She nods, and burrows her face into the crook of my neck.

“I missed you too,” she says, her voice so close to my skin that it’s making me shiver. “Yes, I admit it, I’m jealous. She’s one lucky girl.”

“Jen... I told you, she’s not my girlfriend.”

“She could be, though. She’s totally your type. And she’s crazy about you. She must be a wonder in bed...”

I caress her hair softly.

“She’s attractive, you’re right,” I sigh. “But still. I have no intention of dating her.”

She straightens up and plunges her gaze into mine, first looking puzzled, then sad. I keep running my fingers through her dark locks.

“What’s wrong?” I murmur.

She takes a deep breath.

“Nothing. It’s just...” She pauses. “I wish I could kiss you. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I-“

I don’t even think when I interrupt her by crashing my lips on hers. As if she was craving it as much as I was, she’s quick to respond to the kiss, rolling onto her belly, covering my body with hers to give herself better access. I feel her hands grab my face, her fingers gracing my skin ever so softly, and I sigh. My hands dance all over her back, until I feel bold enough to dare cup her flawless, round ass. She gasps in surprise before relaxing in my embrace.

I don’t even want to think about stopping. Not now that she’s doing better. So much better, in fact, that I’m ready to consider the possibility that she may have some sort of feelings for me. And it’s an incredible sensation.

She lingers on my lips for a while longer, licking and sucking on them repeatedly, before detaching her mouth from mine suddenly. I open my eyes to find her lustful gaze locked on my face, her fingers playing in my blond hair.

“I want more,” I whisper, holding her tighter, almost possessively.

“I want you,” she replies, quickly leaning in to resume her attack on my lips. I hastily open my mouth to let her in, while I slide my hands under the fabric of her tank top to feel her perfectly smooth skin. She starts rubbing her center on my bulge, and I let out a loud groan in response. I sit straighter, pulling her body up with mine, and she slides her legs over my thighs to straddle me. My tongue explores every spot of her mouth, tasting the remnant flavor of her fruit chewing gum. Her arms lock around my neck and I tug on her tank top to invite her to take it off, which she promptly does, exposing me to the luscious sight of her round breasts. I let my mouth wander down her throat, all the way to her mounds, which I knead and caress with my hands and tease with my tongue. She arches her back in response, daring me to devour her flesh, and I let out a contented sigh. Her panting breath is the only sound I hear in the room, until she starts whispering.

“Oh God... Oh...”

I feel her tug on my hair as I lightly bite one of her nipples, glancing at her to take in her reaction. Her eyes, tightly shut as if she was trying to increase the pleasure she feels, and her widely smiling face are almost enough to make me come on the spot. I pull back just long enough to remove my own shirt, and I swallow thickly when I catch her checking me out. It’s not the first time she sees me shirtless obviously, but it was never in these circumstances. And I feel self-conscious when I realize she’s likely comparing me to Nick in her head.

And there’s no way I can compete with him.

“Did I ever tell you how cute you are?” she says with a smile, making my heart sink in my chest.

“ _Cute_ ”. Not “ _handsome_ ”, or “ _sexy_ ”, or even “ _beautiful_ ”.

There’s no way she ever called her ex “cute”. Anyway, I decide not to make a fuss about it and let it go.

“I think you did.”

“You’re amazing.”

With that, she leans in again and plants her mouth on the side of my neck, leaving a trail of soft kisses and stopping once in a while to suck on the skin of my jaw. I let out deep sighs in response as her touch brings me pleasant sensations that quickly invade my whole being. I press her body against mine, and the contact of her naked skin on my own drives me crazy. I let my hands wander down her back until I reach her shorts, and I slip my fingers under the fabric to have a feel of the soft skin of her buttocks. She brings her hands to my front so she can caress my pecs – well, what she can feel of them anyway, as my chest isn’t as defined as I’d like it to be – and lets them travel down my tummy to the waistband of my shorts. She tugs on the fabric and stands up a little so I can remove the garment, finally freeing my waiting cock. I give her a shy smile as she sees it for the first time, and she returns my grin promptly, lying back down on my naked body to pepper my chest with kisses.

“Jen...” I whisper as she’s making her way down, getting dangerously close to my arousal. As much as I’d like to feel the sensation of her wet mouth sucking my cock, I know I won’t last if she does. And there’s no way I’m gonna pass this opportunity of fucking her.

It might be the only one I ever get, after all.

She grabs my dick in her fist and runs her fingers up and down along the length of it, cupping my balls at the same time.

“Jen... fuck,” I groan.

“Do you want me to?” she asks, her mouth barely brushing the sensitive skin of my shaft. As I stare at her, the idea that this might also be the only chance I have of her ever blowing me suddenly hits me, and I nod, hoping against hope I can manage to last. She first licks a pattern alongside the vein popping up underneath my cock, before running her tongue over the tip and starting to pump the base, as if I wasn’t aroused enough already. I lift myself up on my elbows to watch her better, and the sight of my dick disappearing down her throat as she shoves it as deep as she can makes me shudder with excitement. I stretch an arm to push her hair away from her face, and she looks up at me with a wicked smile.

“You’re so good... oh my God. Fuck,” I say, feeling incredibly close to losing it. She picks up speed, thrusting my dick in her mouth repeatedly until I can’t stand it anymore. “Okay. Stop, stop. You’re gonna make me come.”

“Don’t you wanna?” she winks, sliding back up my body to press her lips against mine, letting me taste the salty flavor of my pre-cum.

“Not before I can fuck you,” I reply, sitting up and bringing her up with me, before standing up and helping her lie down on the couch. “Be right back.”

I sprint to the kitchen, where I left my wallet, and snatch the condom I always keep there. When I make my way back to the living room, she’s still wearing her shorts, but she has one hand grabbing her boob and the other slipped underneath the fabric, stroking herself slowly. The sight of her waiting for me there is so sexy, I can’t help but take my dick in my fist and pump it a few times to release the pressure.

I stop next to the couch and drop the condom on the coffee table.

“I’m not quite ready yet,” I say, bending to grab the waistband of her shorts. “You’re still overdressed, you know.”

“Oh yeah?” she asks on a fake innocent tone as I slide her shorts and soaked panties down her slender legs.

“Not anymore, but yeah, you were,” I chuckle, before kneeling over her on the couch and leaning down to drop kisses on her tummy. She straightens up under my touch before relaxing, letting her body dig into the cushions. I begin my journey down her body, leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses all the way to her center. I look up to make sure she’s okay, and I find her taking a deep breath, her eyes closed, anticipation obvious in her features. I press my lips gently against her clit while running my fingertips over her thighs, parting her legs ever so slightly to ease my access. She gasps, and I replace my mouth with my thumb, caressing her bundle of nerves gently while I part her folds and run my tongue near her entrance. A loud sigh escapes her mouth, and I smile widely even though she can’t see me.

I lick up to her clit again and start sucking on it while carefully inserting a finger into her damp vagina. As I start pushing it inside back and forth, I increase the pressure on her clit and she starts writhing under my touch, trembling along to the waves of pleasure she’s surely feeling. She moans loudly, and I add a second, and then a third finger, observing her reactions carefully. Her breath quickens, and I sense her getting closer to completion. When her muscles finally clench around my fingers, I suck on her clit harder, in an attempt to increase her pleasure as much as I can. I’m rewarded with loud cries of bliss coming from her.

Once she’s satisfied, I share a quick look with her, and the lust and relief I see in her eyes don’t escape me. I stand up and put the condom in place while I let her catch her breath. Once I’m done, I turn around and stare at her lovely face, the warm smile she’s got on her lips, and it convinces me I’m doing the right thing.

I position myself between her waiting legs and I exchange one last look, one last silent request to go through, which she answers by smiling even wider. I cradle her face, drop one heartfelt kiss on her soft lips, and finally enter her slowly.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been dreaming of it for almost two years, but it feels better than with any other girl I’ve ever been with. I feel my heart swell with love, my whole body tremble with desire, and as I begin moving slowly, enjoying the sensation of her walls closing in on my dick, I heave a sigh.

She wraps her arms around my neck and I begin moving faster, first focusing on the whirlwind of sensations driving me crazy, and then opening my eyes to hold her gaze for a while. Once I straighten up a little, increasing the angle of my thrusts, she starts moaning a little louder. She closes her eyes, and the sight is overwhelming me.

I lean down to kiss the hollow space between her neck and shoulder, and she cups the back of my head with one hand while running the other one down my back.

“Oh, God, yes...” she whispers. “Yes... keep going. Fuck... yeah... Ni-“

She almost caught herself on time. But even if she said it in a low voice, it feels as if she had screamed it in my ear. I stop dead in my tracks, a sharp pain hitting me in the gut. Slowly, I raise my head, lift my body up, and slide out of her, without another word.

“Josh!” she says in a panicked voice as I stand up, speechless, unable to bear her gaze. I quickly remove the condom as she jumps off the couch behind me, dropping a hand on my arm, which I quickly brush off as if it were burning my skin.

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to... you have to know that...” she stutters in a teary voice. I walk to the garbage bin and toss the condom in it, before making my way back to the living room to retrieve my clothes.

“Josh! Josh, I’m so sor-“

“Stop it. It’s okay. I should have expected it.” I sigh and pick up my clothes from the floor, quickly slipping my shorts on. I finally dare to look at her, and the devastation and guilt I see in her eyes almost make me crack.

“I love you, Josh!” she cries, and I let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Oh, don’t say things you don’t mean, Jen. Please.” I exchange one last, miserable look with her. “See you at work tomorrow.”

And with that, I escape to my house, where I finally let out the tears I couldn’t shed in front of her. I should have known it would end that way.


	3. Chapter 3

I spend most of the night wide awake, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, dreading the moment I’ll see her again the next day. Her pleading voice plays on a loop in my mind, like a bad song obnoxiously stuck in my head. I find myself wishing I could forget what we did, turn back time to the instant before, when we were enjoying ourselves and I hadn’t let myself foolishly hope that whatever existed between us could ever turn into more than friendship.

I decide I’ll deal with the situation by trying to behave as professionally as I can on set, only interacting with Jen when we absolutely have to. I know all too well that once we’ll be on break though, in the privacy of our trailer, I’ll be forced to face her and the consequences of what happened the night before.

Both the best and worst sex I’ve ever had.

I think about it a lot while I wait to find that elusive sleep. I almost come to regret my impulsive reaction to leave so quickly; I should have let her explain herself, maybe given her, us, a chance to get over it. Maybe it was just a silly reflex, a habit that she hadn’t let go of yet. Maybe she was sincere when she claimed she wasn’t thinking about him as I was pounding incessantly into her, finally showing her the depth of my feelings for her.

Yet, that little voice nagging me at the back of my head manages to convince me that while she may have enjoyed herself with me tonight, she was wishing I would have been her ex instead. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I can’t really hold it against her. She couldn’t forget a two-year relationship in the space of two weeks. It was naive – and unfair - of me to expect that of her.

 

* * *

 

 

I show up at work the next morning utterly exhausted from having barely slept all night. No one seems to notice how upset I’m still feeling, which is what I was hoping for. Only Jen can read it in my eyes, but as I avoid her as much as I can, she figures out now is not the time to talk about it and she leaves me alone.

I’m really thankful to her for that.

When we stop for lunch, I spot her making her way to the craft service tent, and so I decide to retreat to the trailer in hopes of having a moment to myself. I lock myself in my room, get my iPod out of my pocket and plug in my earphones, before lying on the small bed and closing my eyes, hoping to relax and forget a little about what happened last night. I quickly get lost in my own world, focusing on the music blasting in my ears while I’m bathing in the sunrays coming in through the tiny window just above me.

After a while, I’m thrown out of my hazed state by the sound of my door being quickly opened and Jen rushing to my side. As she sits down next to me, I take in her panicked expression and frown.

“Thank God, you’re okay,” she says while caressing my cheek gently, concern deeply etched onto her face. I sit up and take my earphones out, turning the iPod off at the same time.

“Of course, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I?”

For some reason, she’s shaking frantically. I stare at her expectantly, covering her trembling hand with mine to try and calm her down.

“I was knocking on your door, and you wouldn’t answer, but I knew you were here, I saw you walking here while I was waiting for my food. I tried to text you, to call you too but you wouldn’t answer... Josh... I thought something had happened to you, I don’t know...”

I open my arms to her and she throws herself into them, crying.

“Don’t scare me like that again, okay?” she says in a low voice.

She pulls away a little to see my eyes, and I nod.

“Okay.”

I don’t understand where that fear comes from, but in the end, I decide to let it go. Once her breathing goes back to normal, she stares at me for a moment, before shaking her head and grabbing my hand, pulling me out of the bed.

“Come on. I brought some food for you too. I knew if you didn’t drop by crafty’s you wouldn’t eat. You must be starving by now.”

I shrug, but thank her anyway and follow her to our small dining area. On the table, in front of my usual chair, sit a bottle of water along with a Styrofoam box with two wraps and a pasta salad inside. We sit side-by-side and don’t waste time in devouring our meal.

But it’s obvious that the tension between us is getting heavier as we keep stealing glances at each other without daring to utter a single word. Once Jen is over with her lunch, she grabs a napkin, wipes her mouth and gives me a serious stare.

“Josh? Are we gonna ignore again what happened last night?”

“Oh, did something happen last night?” I can’t help but let out bitterly.

“Josh...” she trails in a weak voice.

“Oh yeah.” I look away. I’m not proud of exposing all that pent-up resentment, but for some reason, the words start pouring out of my mouth without me having any control over them. “I forgot you needed to get laid. Because your boyfriend – excuse me, ex-boyfriend – dumped you like an idiot and wasn’t there to do the job himself.”

She looks down in shame. I feel a pang of guilt at my harsh tone, but the anger that consumes me at the thought that she would flirt with me, going as far as to actually engage in sex with me, while still dreaming about her ex, wins over.

She knows I don’t want to be a rebound. She knows it. Why did she do that?

I glance at her and find that her eyes are full of tears. She doesn’t say a word, only nodding slightly.

“I’m sorry,” I say in a small voice while reaching for her hand. “I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just that... it shouldn’t have happened, you know?”

“I know,” she replies, her voice laced with sadness. “I swear, I wasn’t thinking of him-“

“You don’t owe me any explanations, Jen,” I interrupt her. “When I say it shouldn’t have happened, I didn’t mean you crying out your ex’s name.” I look down. “It was to be expected, after all.”

“No, it wasn’t,” she says, grabbing my hand in between both of hers. “Josh, please... look at me... believe me when I say you were all that was on my mind last night. You’re all that’s been on my mind for days, now. And it was the same this morning.”

I address her a wary look and shake my head sadly.

“It was too soon, Jen. A week ago, you were still crying all night long because of him. I can’t...” I look down at our entwined hands and let out a deep sigh. “I can’t be your rebound. I just... I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll be there for you in any way you need me to, but not this one.”

I look up into her teary eyes, and she nods.

“You’re right,” she admits, and somehow, my heart breaks a little more. It shouldn’t; she’s just agreeing to what I’m asking of her. “It was too soon. But Josh...” she lowers her voice. “You want to call it rebound... I call it moving on.”

I chuckle sadly, dropping her hand in passing.

“Moving on? After just two weeks? Of being out of a two-year relationship? That HE ended? Come on...”

“Josh...” she replies in a shaky voice. “Okay, I don’t have much experience in break-ups. I’m confused, yes. But if there’s one thing I know, one thing I’m totally sure of...”

She lifts my chin with her finger to force me to look at her.

“If there’s one thing I’m totally certain, it’s that I really care about you. A lot. And you have no idea how mad at myself I am for how it ended last night. We were doing great before, no? We were having fun?”

“Oh, we were.” I smirk. “But you know as well as I do that it was too soon. We shouldn’t have done it so soon.”

“Do you regret what we did?”

I plunge my gaze into hers, and I can read what she doesn’t say. That she doesn’t regret it. Not one bit.

I sigh.

“No matter how much I wish I could... I can’t.” There’s no way I could admit to her that as much as it hurt, I still ended up living the fantasy I had entertained ever since I fell in love with her, so long ago, and for that reason alone, I can’t bring myself to regret it. “It’s not as if we could take it back, huh? If we can move past this and go back to being the friends we always were... No, I won’t regret it.”

“That’s what you want?” she asks, looking slightly disappointed. “For us to be friends?”

I shrug.

“It’s the best possible thing. Look... you still love him. I can’t be your fuck friend. So... that’s the only thing we can do.”

She nods slowly.

“Okay. Let’s be friends again.” She bites her lip, hiding a little smile. “But... I just want you to know... that was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

I finally manage a small grin.

“That’s good. Glad you enjoyed yourself.”

 

* * *

 

 

After successfully clearing the air, it’s much easier to close the distance we had put between us. Over the next few days, we both try to forget that night ever happened, going back to our usual banter, running around each other, poking each other in the butt, sharing dirty jokes in each other’s ear.

I love her a little more every day. I’m in deep shit.

She hasn’t talked to me about Nick ever since the night we had sex. Maybe I was wrong to assume she wasn’t over him. Maybe her feelings for him weren’t as deep as I thought they were. Maybe their couple wasn’t as solid as it looked from the outside.

Maybe she truly has feelings for me. I try not to give that hope too much space, though.

At the wrap-up party, we drink together, dance together, laugh together.

And leave together, ending up spending the night wrapped in each other’s arms in her bed.

When I wake up the next morning, it’s to the flowery scent of her shampoo as I’ve got my face buried in her hair while her body is comfortably nestled against my chest, my arm draped over her waist protectively. I take a deep breath when I realize that her butt is rubbing reflexively against my morning wood, spawning an urge to use the hand resting on her belly and start caressing the skin exposed by her bunched-up tank top.

I briefly try to recall if we crossed the line again, but quickly remember that nothing else happened. We came back to her place, both drunk, crashed on her bed and dozed off immediately. Still, it feels awkwardly familiar to wake up with her in my arms, and I can’t help but dread the moment when she will wake up and we’ll have to address the situation.

And she should wake up soon, as we need to get ready to catch the plane that’ll carry us back stateside later today.

I take advantage of her slumber to bring my nose closer to her neck, inhaling the faint aroma of the perfume she wore last night. Her soft hair tickles my skin, and I lift the hand that’s draped over her body to push it aside so I can uncover her pale, freckle-scattered skin. I sigh, before bringing my mouth close enough to brush the side of her neck, just below her ear, first with a single kiss, then with another, and another, along a path lining her shoulder. I feel her start to stir under my arm, and I back off a little as she turns around slowly. When she sees me, her whole face lights up.

“Is this real?” she whispers in a raspy voice. “Am I dreaming?”

She raises a hand to cup my cheek, and I give her a small smile.

“Real.”

Her gaze flicks around the room, as if she was looking for something, before she stares back at me, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“We didn’t-“

“No,” I interrupt her. “I would remember. I was drunk, but I wasn’t THAT drunk. You, on the other hand...”

“Josh!” she exclaims, slapping my chest playfully. I grin.

“You wanted to go sing _Macarena_ on stage! You don’t even speak Spanish!”

“Oh, stop making fun of me, will you? You would have loved to hear me sing it, admit it.”

“I love to hear you sing.” I lean in to whisper in her ear. “Even though you sing like an out-of-tune trumpet.”

“Idiot!” she says, pushing me on my back and climbing on top of me. “You’re gonna regret insulting me!”

“Oh yeah! And how will you?” I chuckle.

“I don’t know yet,” she says, a malicious sparkle in her eyes. It quickly turns into something serious as she keeps staring at my face. The time for playful banter quickly cedes its place to a heavy tension, one that neither of us seems to dare to relieve.

And so I listen to my heart, flip us over so I’m hovering above her, and lean in to capture her lips with mine. She’s not even surprised, quickly returning the kiss with a passion that I wasn’t expecting. Her arms lock around my shoulders, she wraps her legs around my torso to pull me closer, and for a moment, I forget where I am, and with whom, losing myself to the pleasant sensations she’s giving me.

After a moment, I let go of her lips and stare at her face, my breath catching in my throat.

“Talk about a nice way to wake up,” she winks, and I chuckle.

“Is there a better way?”

“I don’t think so.”

She gently pushes on the back of my head to urge me closer to her, and she presses her lips against mine, slower and tender this time. I close my eyes to enjoy the moment, and as I begin to playfully tease her lips with my tongue while running my thumbs on her cheeks, we’re interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing.

“Let it ring,” I murmur, nibbling on her throat.

“Could be important,” she says, stretching her arm to grab the phone. “Fuck.”

I look up and frown. She answers the call, sounding pleased to talk to whomever is on the line, but I don’t miss the unease in her features. She looks down, and when she refers to this thing that happened right before she left for Hawaii, I finally figure out who’s calling her.

The stabbing jealousy I feel in my chest, knowing that only a couple of minutes ago we were kissing, and that now she’s happily talking to her ex on the phone, takes my breath away. I quickly get up from the bed and walk to the bathroom to relieve myself. Then, I chance one last look inside her bedroom. She’s still on the phone. I sigh, slip on my flip flops and sneak out of her house.

It was too good to be true.

 

* * *

 

 

My first move when I get back to my rental house is to send a message to Chloe. I desperately need a distraction, need to forget that Nick finally realized the mistake he made by letting Jen go. I wait patiently for her answer as I pack my stuff and leave the house, but it still hasn’t come by the time I board the plane.

Of course, Jen being who she is, unable to say no to anyone – except me, apparently – is on her way to getting back with her ex. At least, I think. She tries to talk to me on the plane, but I‘m not ready to hear her out. I’m not ready to see materialize what I had feared all along – that she would run back into his arms as soon as he’d give her a sign that he’d changed his mind.

I spend the whole flight looking out the window, eyes closed, music blasting in my ears. She respects it, but when we land in LA and I randomly exchange a look with her, she’s got tears in her eyes.

This time, I can’t go past my selfishness. I can’t be there for her. She has to let me go, too, at least for a while. But I don’t get why it seems so hard for her. Nick opened the door to getting back with her. Wasn’t it what she’d wanted ever since she’d set foot in Hawaii?

And so when I finally get an answer from Chloe saying that she’s in New York City until almost mid-January, I curse myself. This is gonna be a long time off.

Fortunately, I’ve got my whole family with me to help me focus on something else. I hide my heartbreak pretty well over the holidays, as I attend a few family reunions in Kentucky and I go on a snowboard trip with my dad and my brother.

Neither of them questions me on my love life – even though Connor and I usually tell each other just about everything – and I’m glad for it. I’m not ready to open up on this. I want to do everything I can to move on by myself.

After a couple of weeks though, as I’m wandering on the pier of Santa Monica, fighting the urge to call her – she has left me a few messages wishing me a merry Christmas and happy New Year, but I have answered her simply with random, impersonal wishes – I have to come to the conclusion that I just can’t forget her. Not after she looked so ready to move on from him, before she got the fateful call.

Not after I saw the tears in her eyes at the airport.

I stroll to a bench that overlooks the beach and I sit there, fishing my phone out of my pocket. In just a few days, I’ll have to attend the People’s Choice Awards. With her. Liam will be there too, but he’s useless with us. He’s an eternal third wheel, and he will never step between us.

I think some more while staring absentmindedly at the quiet waves of the sea ahead of me. It hits me that we’ll need to act the way that’s expected of us, and that we’ll have a hard time displaying our usual chemistry if we don’t speak to each other again beforehand and clear the air once again. Reaching that conclusion is what finally convinces me to search for her number in my contacts, before starting to write a message.

JOSH: Hey, I hope you’re doing okay. It’s been a while. What’s up?

Right after I tap the “Send” icon, I start trying to imagine what she’s doing at the moment. Is she with her parents? Spending quality time with them before the madness starts? Trying to get some rest? This is going to be a very exhausting awards season for her.

I wonder if she’ll be too busy to even answer me.

When her reply doesn’t come, I sigh, take my earphones out of my pocket and plug them in. Right as I put them on my ears, I feel a vibration in my hand and the screen lights up with an incoming message.

JENNIFER: I’m fine. I miss you a lot. What about you?

I sigh.

JOSH: Miss you too. Are you busy right now?

I send the message and bite my lip nervously, lightly tapping my foot on the wood planks below as I wait for her reply. She’s quick to answer.

JENNIFER: Not today. Why?

I can’t help the grin that brightens up my whole face.

JOSH: Would you like to hang out at my place for the afternoon? I could pick you up and the paps wouldn’t ever know.

I expect her to accept almost reluctantly, but her enthusiasm takes me aback.

JENNIFER: Yes! Anytime! I’m ready!

I have to admit that I’m excited too. Despite the hurt I’ve had to deal with, being away from her for a few weeks made me long for her. I immediately stand up from the bench and start jogging to the parking where I left my motorcycle. I take a quick look around, relieved to see that no one is paying attention to me, and quietly ride back home.

As soon as I pass the gate to my property and park the motorcycle, I take my phone out of my pocket and look for Jen’s number in my contact list. While I wait for her answer, I run inside the house. I hear the phone ring a few times before she finally picks up.

The sound of her voice, which I’ve missed so badly these last few weeks, makes me feel tingles in my chest.

“Hi, Josh!”

“Hi. I’m home. Gotta shower and get changed, and then I’ll pick you up. Is that alright?”

“It’s perfect,” she replies, her voice soft but a bit raspy. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Great. See you later.”

“See you.”

I end the call, toss the phone on my kitchen counter, and run a hand through my hair, tugging at the strands lightly. I feel like I’m playing with fire, but at the same time, I don’t have much of a choice, if I want to be her friend again. And the truth is I want her back in my life, desperately.

The sound of her voice, which I’d craved for so long, was enough to make me a little hard.

I heave a sigh and walk through my bedroom to the main bathroom, where I take off my clothes and drop them in the laundry basket. I stroll over to the large glass shower that overlooks the garden, turn the faucet on and let the overhead jets soak me with warm water. I close my eyes, and the image of Jennifer’s perfect body, naked under me, fills my mind for an instant, making my burgeoning erection even more obvious. I grab my hard member, and recall Jennifer’s voice on the phone earlier. So raw, so sexy. I imagine her whispering dirty words in my ear, and as I start pumping faster, I try to remember the sensation I felt when I was plunging repeatedly inside her. The vapor coming from the hot water that brushes my neck reminds me of her breath on my skin. The water runs down my back, just like the caress of her fingertips trailing down my spine on that day.

And as I feel myself getting closer to my release, I finally hear her moans in my mind. I recall the sounds she made while she was approaching her climax. I tighten my grip on my cock and stroke it faster, reacting to the cries of pleasure she’s making in the fantasy playing in my mind.

And then, as I picture her writhing in ecstasy while she comes, I hear what I longed to hear that day.

I hear her scream my name.

It’s enough to push me over the edge.

As I empty my seed over the grey tiles of the shower, I lean on the wall and try to catch my breath. I run a hand through my wet hair to get the locks out of my face.

I needed to do that. Needed to release that tension that had been building in me ever since I saw her first enthusiastic words on my phone. Needed to turn the memory of our only time together from a painful souvenir into a satisfying fantasy. Now that I’ve dealt with it, I hope to put all this behind me when I see her later today.

Because no matter what happens between us, no matter the hope I have for us one day, I’m not ready to trust her again so easily. I’m not gonna get burned again.

I quickly wash myself and get out of the shower, drying my body hastily before making my way back to my bedroom to fetch new boxers, a pair of black jeans, a white t-shirt and a red plaid shirt. Once I’m dressed, I put my shoes on and walk outside, grabbing my keys in passing.

The drive to her place in Santa Monica is as uneventful as my trip earlier in the morning. The sun is shining brightly over the city, and people are strolling around carelessly. I pass by the beach, which is swarming with people sunbathing or running in the dry sand.

I notice suspicious people – possibly paparazzi – as I get closer to the apartment complex where she lives, but I don’t pay them any attention, instead gearing to park in a secluded corner I’ve spotted a long time ago, one of the first times I visited her at her place. Large palm trees overhead obscure the road. After I park the car, I get my phone out of my pocket and text her.

JOSH: I’m here. Got the usual spot. Might have seen paps on my way, but they’re far from your place.

I wait for her reply, but instead, after a few minutes, I jump in surprise as I hear a light knocking on the window of the passenger seat. I look up, and spot her standing next to the door, scanning her surroundings nervously. She’s wearing wide sunglasses and a large hat, no doubt in an attempt to hide from the paps we could encounter on our way.

There’s a clicking sound as I unlock the door, and she’s quick to slide onto the passenger seat and shut the door.

“Hey, we made it,” I say with a smile as she takes off her hat, revealing her lovely golden locks, and slides the shades up into her hair.

“Let’s celebrate when we’re in your house, will you?” she answers on an annoyed tone, that I know isn’t directed at me but at the paps who harass her too often.

“Sure. Let’s go.”

She’s silent all throughout the ride to my house, staring nonchalantly at the scenery outside. I can’t help but notice how she’s idly stroking the naked skin of her thigh – she’s wearing a white skirt with a cropped top – and I struggle to keep my attention on the road. Even though I relieved myself before coming here, seeing her, even absent-mindedly, making such a suggestive gesture is driving me crazy. When I stop at a red light, I have to fight the urge to cover her hand with mine, joining her motions, letting my fingers travel along the inner side of her thigh, all the way to her center...

I can’t even look at her. I start to get uncomfortable again, and I sigh.

“You ok?” she asks innocently, and I nod.

“Sure.”

Thankfully, we’re almost there, as I engage in the partially hidden road that leads to my house. Still no trace of paps, which relieves me a whole lot. I drive past the gate and park the car, turning to Jen to smile at her.

“Let’s go?”

She nods and follows me inside the house. We only stay in long enough to prepare a couple of cups of coffee, which we bring with us as I lead her to one of the cushion-lined banisters of my backyard terrace. As she makes herself comfortable, I light a fire in the built-in fire pit in front of us.

The setting almost feels romantic.

“You really chose your house well,” she remarks, and I turn to look at her as I drop on the cushions on the opposite side of her, my legs dangling in the empty space between the seating area and the fire. We’re facing each other, and I find myself grateful for the distance between us as I’m afraid I’ll fall back into her arms too easily.

I shake my head slightly to get those thoughts out of my head.

“Yeah. It’s cool. It’s well hidden. I could have waited a bit longer before buying a house, but when I saw it was on the market...”

“You couldn’t pass the opportunity.” She stretches her legs over the length of the bench. My gaze locks on her exposed calves, and I lick my lips before looking back up at her.

“Exactly. Who knows how long it would have taken before the house went back on the market? And besides, it’s perfect for me. Large spaces, a huge backyard... just two bedrooms... I didn’t need more.”

She nods, and starts staring at the trees surrounding us, before taking a sip of her coffee. I do the same, observing her carefully. Her eyes are cloudy, as if something was weighing on her mind.

Probably the same issue that’s been bugging me for a while, now.

“I missed you, you know,” I start, finally breaking the tension. “I wasn’t kidding.”

“I know,” she replies in a low voice, shifting her gaze to lock eyes with me. “I missed you too. A lot.”

“How’s Nick?”

I see her stifle a gasp, and I regret my words instantly. But at the same time, I can’t ignore that last morning in Hawaii. Can’t forget how I thought we were on the way to being on the same page, feelings-wise, only to have my hopes crushed when he crawled back into her life. We need to deal with this, or else, his presence will always be looming above our heads.

“He’s fine, I guess.” She shrugs.

“What do you mean, you guess?”

“I haven’t seen him for weeks, Josh.”

I frown.

“But the call...?”

“He wanted to see me over the holidays.” She stares at her coffee, carefully avoiding my eyes. “I said yes, because we were supposed to start working on the movie soon. I was supposed to go spend a few days in London. But with Bryan taking over the directing job, there’s gonna be a lot of changes to the script, so I won’t start filming until the end of spring, probably. So I didn’t feel like seeing him just yet, you know?”

“I guess.”

An awkward silence settles between us.

“So I canceled the trip. What about you?” she asks. “Had a great time with... what’s her name again? Kaley? Kylie?”

“Chloe. Haven’t seen her since she left Hawaii. She spent the holidays in New York.”

She looks away, but I don’t miss the signs of jealousy in her features. I can’t help the small smile forming on my lips, which I quickly hide with my mug. I take a cautious sip of the sweet liquid, looking up at her, and see her close her eyes briefly.

I really want to welcome her in my arms, have her snuggle on my chest, feel her hair brush the light patch of skin that peeks out of my t-shirt. Lying here under the sun, it seems to me that she’s never been so attractive.

She stays silent for a moment, her eyes still closed, and then she opens them slowly and gazes at me, looking like she wants to say something, but wondering if she should say it. And I know her well enough to guess correctly that this is what’s going on in her head at the moment.

“Jen?” I ask, my tone warm.

She bites her lip.

“I just wanted to say... I just...” she sighs. “Thank you. For making the first step. I was too chicken to do it myself. I was a coward.”

“No, you weren’t,” I reply, taking in the look of guilt on her face. She eyes me sadly, shaking her head lightly, and I put down my mug on the side of the banister. Gently, I open up my arms to her, and she doesn’t waste time in accepting the invitation, putting down her own mug and snuggling into them. As I hold her against me tightly, I feel my shirt get damp.

“Why did you leave so quickly?” she whispers, locking her arms around my neck and lifting her legs over my thighs, so that she’s sitting as close to me as she can get.

“I didn’t want to be in the way,” I reply on the same tone, looking down at her tear-filled eyes. “Jen... if I’d known-“

“No-“

“Stop.”

“No, you, stop!” she says, her tone getting angrier. “There’s nothing between him and me anymore, okay?”

She’s staring at me with a pleading look. One of her hands slides along the side of my face, trembling. I want to believe it, I do. But why is there a part of me that’s convinced she’s fooling herself?

“If you say so,” I breathe out. I want to be mad at myself for giving in, for taking the risk to have my heart broken once again. But I’ve fallen so deep for her, I just can’t resist her charm.

She burrows her face in the crook of my neck, shooting a spark through my whole body.

“I don’t want to lose you, Josh. I can’t lose you. I’ll go insane.”

I run a hand through her blonde locks, frowning.

“Why would you lose me? I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know. It’s my own bullshit that scares me.”

I don’t answer straight away, simply stroking her back comfortingly. After a while, she lifts her head up and I notice for the first time how tired she truly looks. The bags under her red-rimmed eyes, the lack of conviction in her smile.

“Did you sleep at all last night?” I ask in a soft voice, caressing her cheeks gently with my thumbs.

“Not much.”

“Why?”

“Too much stress, I guess. To be honest, I haven’t slept well in a long time.”

We lock eyes for a moment, and I can read what she left unsaid. Her last good night of sleep was back in Hawaii. The night of the wrap-up party.

I lean down, searching under the edge of the floor for the large plastic container I keep hidden there. Jen lets go of my neck and slides her legs down from my lap at the same time. When I finally find what I’m looking for, I pull the box out of its storage place and open it, revealing a large, soft blanket.

Jen looks at me with a frown, until I scoot back, rearrange the cushions behind me, and lie down on the seat, pulling her on top of me. She obliges without a single moment of hesitation, quickly curling up against my body. I put the blanket over us and sigh.

“Are you good?” I ask, my lips brushing her forehead.

“Yes,” she murmurs, before letting out a big yawn. She lets her arm rest on my chest, and I cover her hand with mine. I massage her scalp with the other.

It doesn’t take long before she’s asleep. Seeing her so tired, so emotionally exhausted, is affecting me much deeper than I thought. I think back to our time in Hawaii, then to the days that passed with barely more than cold messages as a sign of life, the hope of something building between us vanishing with the image of her ex still standing between us. My heart swells with love as I focus on her beautiful, peaceful face. It would be so easy to cave in, to let ourselves live that passion that burns between us.

If only there wasn’t that nagging voice at the back of my head that I would be making a mistake, that she’s not ready, that we’ll mess up.

As she rests quietly between my arms, I decide to listen to that voice.

It’s the last time I give in.

 

* * *

 

 

I end up napping with her until the sun goes down and the night sets in. The fire has died down while we were asleep, and a light breeze picked up. She woke up before me, and threw me out of sleep with the relaxing sensation of her finger caressing the side of my jaw. I look down, and find her deep blue eyes locked on mine.

She seems like she wants something. I feel my resolve to stay away from her affection falter, but in the end, I decide to allow myself to enjoy her closeness fully, for what should be the last time.

When I think she’s gonna raise her head up to meet my lips, she closes her eyes, and lightly kisses my cheek instead.

“Did you sleep well?” she asks in a raspy voice.

“Yes. You?”

“Yes.”

I wrap my arms around her and pull her on top of me, tightening my hold on her body as she rests her cheek on my chest. It’s getting pretty dark outside, but I don’t care. I want to savour this last moment up till the end.

As we’re lying there, motionless, calmly listening to each other’s breathing and cuddling under the blanket, we’re disturbed by the sound of her phone ringing. She groans and digs in the pocket of her skirt, answering the call while I stroke her back and readjust the blanket over us.

It’s clear from the moment she answers that the caller is her mom. And as she tries to explain that she’s fine and she’s just hanging out with me, my heart sinks. Does her family think so lowly of me? Jennifer is 22, she can do as she pleases. Yet, judging by the argumentative tone Jen is currently using, it doesn’t look like her mom is particularly impressed.

If only she knew.

Once she hangs up, she closes her eyes and laces her arms around my neck.

“You have to go soon,” I guess, and she nods slightly. I drop a little kiss on top of her head and help her up. We put the blanket back in its place and without a word, I pick the two empty mugs, drop them in the dishwasher on my way in, and lead Jen to my car.

“They’re just concerned because the paps usually get at my place at night.”

“I know.”

I sigh. It’d be so much easier if she would live with me. I did buy the house for myself first and foremost, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think of Jennifer too. That stupid hope that there could be something between us one day, that ridiculous feeling that won’t stay buried within me is completely taking over my life.

It really is time for me to cut it and move on.

 

* * *

 

 

A few days later, I’m reunited with Jen in public for the first time in a while at the People’s Choice Awards. And it seems like she’s particularly proud to show off with me on the red carpet.

For some reason, I can’t help but take it as a red flag though, as she’s always been adamant that she values her private life and she wouldn’t dare touch Nick on a red carpet – ever.

With me, it’s different. She’s all over me, molding into my body as I grab her hips to pull her into my side for a photocall, motorboating me backstage under the flashes of the cameras, grabbing my ass on national television without a care for what the millions of people watching will think. She’s not afraid of being playful, not afraid of flirting openly, not afraid of showing the whole world how well we get along.

She’s not protective of it, not at all. It’s almost as if she didn’t treasure our relationship – for the simple reason that for her, it’s nothing more than friendship, and she just doesn’t care about keeping her friendships private.

But despite coming to that sad conclusion, her behavior towards me still rekindles the flame I’ve been trying to put out so desperately. I just can’t help the hope from filling me again, and my resolve to get over her to completely fall apart. And it doesn’t help that I just can’t keep my eyes off of her. She’s so beautiful, with her glittery gown, the sparkle in her eyes, the cheerful strand of hair that strays away from her hairdo – she’s pretty, she’s gorgeous, and she looks her age.

Right before we’re set to leave the theater, I turn to her and lead her to a hidden corner for some privacy.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Sleeping,” she answers with a grin.

“What about... sleeping at my place?” I ask sheepishly. She looks surprised, but her face quickly falls, making my own smile falter at the same time.

“I can’t. I have to leave early tomorrow morning... I have a screening to attend.”

“We could put an alarm...”

She shakes her head sadly.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

I force a small smile, trying as best as I can to hide the hurt her rejection is causing me.

“It’s okay. No problem. Another time, maybe?”

“Yeah, sure!” Her smile grows bigger, and finally, our bodyguards spot us and make their way to us, asking us to follow them to the cars.

We part ways discreetly on the sidewalk, as we’re set to ride in different cars.

As soon as I reach my place, I get my phone out of my pocket and make a call.

 

* * *

 

 

“I had missed those nights at your place, you know?”

Her voice resonates loudly in the hallway as she makes her way back from the bathroom to meet me in the kitchen for breakfast. I’m preparing French Toast on the stove for us both, while a pot of coffee brews next to me. When I drop the first pieces of bread in the pan, I feel her arms snake around my torso as she hugs me from behind.

“Gosh, that smells really good,” she says, before pulling away from me. I immediately feel relieved when I no longer sense her presence in my back.

“Thanks,” I say, focusing back at the food.

I’m trying to appear cheerful, but the truth is that I need to have a serious talk with her and I’m not ready. I feel like a jerk, and that’s not me.

After Jen’s behavior at the PCA’s, I needed a distraction. I had hoped Chloe would be available that night, but it turned out she was coming back to LA only the day after. I still invited her to spend the night at my place, thinking getting back with her would put my attention away from Jen and back on the right track.

I was wrong.

The sex was good, as usual. I enjoyed myself, and I think she did too. It was nice to share my bed with someone again.

But now that I’ve had a taste of what having sex with Jen feels like, despite the horrible way it ended, I can’t get away with the inevitable comparisons my mind tries to make all the time. I couldn’t enjoy Chloe’s plump lips on my dick without imagining Jen’s soft ones in her place. I couldn’t hear her higher-pitched moans without replacing them with Jen’s deeper ones. I couldn’t kiss and caress her curves without missing Jen’s.

And I couldn’t come without remembering the painful way it ended with Jen.

I shake my head lightly to try and clear my thoughts. Hopefully, she hasn’t noticed my unease. As I place a couple of toasts on a plate I had previously half-filled with fruit, I turn to look in her direction, and see she’s rummaging around the pantry for maple syrup.

It hits me how intimate we’ve become, despite our vow to never make this more than a casual relationship. I swallow down thickly, and put my attention back on the pan. While I wait for the next batch of toast to cook, I start pouring coffee into two mugs, and I carry them to the table.

“I’m almost done,” I say, as she follows me to the dining room. “You can wait for me here.”

“Oh, okay.”

I hide the breath of relief I take while I turn around and go back to the kitchen. I still need time to muster up the courage to say what I have to say.

While I fill the second plate, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I drop the spatula on the counter and take the device out of my shorts. The ID of the sender doesn’t surprise me, but her message makes me frown.

JENNIFER: Did you see yesterday? My publicist released the news of my breakup. It’s over.

I’m tempted to give her a dry answer, but the relief I sense in her words takes me aback. So I decide to be vague instead.

JOSH: No, I didn’t see.

I tap the “Send” icon and put it back in my pocket. I’m not interested in hearing about her heart problems anymore. As I’m about to pick up the plates and bring them to the dining room, I feel the phone vibrate again, but this time, I don’t even bother to look at it.

Chloe’s eyes light up when I put the plate in front of her and sit next to her. I try as much as I can to put Jen at the back of my mind. I won’t be doing this for her; I’ll be doing this for Chloe.

And a bit for me too, to stop feeling like an asshole. I’ll admit that as well.

“It looks yummy,” she says, grabbing her fork to start cutting the toast. I pour some cream in my coffee and taste it cautiously.

“Wait, I’ll get more stuff to put on the toast,” I say, setting the mug back on the table and getting up to fetch a can of whipped cream out of the fridge.

It briefly hits me that I could do so much more with that whipped cream than pour it on French Toast, but I shake the idea out of my head quickly. Somehow, everything brings me back to sex with Jen, and I’ve had enough.

Especially while Chloe is with me. I owe her better than that.

As I walk back into the dining room, I decide to make an effort and be more cheerful, keeping the serious stuff for later. I briefly consider checking the message waiting on my phone, but since she hasn’t sent any other texts after the one I didn’t read, I guess it must not be that important.

Chloe smiles when she sees the whipped cream.

“I should have thought of that before!” she chuckles, pointing at her plate. “I’ve already covered these with maple syrup, no way I’m gonna add whipped cream on top of that!”

I flash her a genuine grin, before sitting down, shaking the can and putting the waves of cream over my plate. Then, I grab my fork and knife and cut a piece, which I quickly offer to her. When she makes a move to grab my fork, I shake my head.

“No no, let me do it,” I say, and she opens her mouth wide to snatch the piece of toast from my fork. “So? How is it?”

“Mmmmmmmm,” she replies, winking at me sensually. I answer with a small smile. If only she knew.

We exchange bites from our respective plates the whole meal, until we’ve only got some fruit and coffee left. The closer to the end I get, the bigger the lump in my throat grows, until I decide that it’s enough.

I cover her hand with mine and begin speaking in a deep voice.

“Chloe... there’s something I need to tell you. Please, hear me out, okay?”

Her smile quickly turns to a frown as she takes in my serious stare and nods slightly, likely anticipating what I have to say. My heart starts beating faster in my chest as I fear she’ll take it badly.

“We’ve always said what we had was casual, right? Well...” I look down, unable to face her as I utter my next words. “This is where it ends for us. At least, as friends with benefits.”

“Why?”

“Just... let me explain, okay? I can’t...” I sigh. “I can’t do this anymore. You deserve better than that, Chloe.”

“Better than what?”

I look up into her eyes, and what I see is what I had feared all along. Despair. Frustration. For some reason, it seems like she has grown attached to me. I take a deep breath.

“Better than a man who thinks of another woman when he has sex with you.”

I stick my gaze to the wall in front of me as I can’t stand to take in her expression. I’m such an asshole. She quickly slides her hand from underneath mine, and her next words cut me deeply.

“So last night...”

“Yes.”

I finally turn to face her. She looks sad and disappointed.

“I’m sorry, Chloe. Really.”

She shakes her head.

“It’s okay, Josh. No strings attached, right?” Her lips curl up in a dejected smile that makes me feel sad. “That was our agreement. Can’t be mad at you for following what I had agreed to.”

“You’re hurt. I didn’t mean to imply you’re not good in bed-“

“No, I know that. But you’re in love. You’ve been for a long time. And now that she’s single, it’s time to make a run for it, right?”

How could I have thought that she wouldn’t guess who was making my heart beat faster? How could I expect to keep that secret from her? I sigh.

“That’s not the reason why I’m ending it, Chloe,” I say in a strong voice. “You know it.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m just... I’m not comfortable with leading you on. And it has nothing to do with her. She doesn’t love me that way. She never will. I’ve got to move on, and I thought I could do it with you... but I have to face the fact that it’s just not gonna happen. But I enjoyed our relationship, you know?”

She rolls her eyes.

“Oh yeah?”

“I’m not talking just about the sex. I liked your company too. It would be great if we’d stay friends.”

“I’m not sure I can, Josh, to be honest,” she says, looking away. “It’s not good, because it wasn’t supposed to happen. But... I was starting to feel something for you. Something strong. When you called me the other day... I was so excited... never in a million years would I have guessed it was gonna be the last time.”

“I didn’t know either... I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to be a jerk.”

“But you’ve loved her for a long time,” she figures out, her eyes getting darker. “So all this time, you were just using me?”

“Chloe... I wasn’t-“

“You said it yourself!”she exclaims. “I was a rebound for a fantasy!”

I bite my lip. Her mouth slowly opens in disbelief.

“You totally fucked her.”

I simply press my lips in a thin line. I can’t answer that.

“Did you do it while I was your booty call in Hawaii?” she snaps. “Maybe you were dreaming of having a threesome with us both too!”

“Chloe, come on...”

“Never mind. I’m leaving here.”

She stands up all of a sudden, making her way to my bedroom to get dressed. I follow her quickly.

“Please, let me dress alone,” she says, and I turn around, leaning on the wall outside the room to respect her privacy.

“Is there something I can do to make it up to you? I’m really sorry, Chloe. I never expected this to happen.”

I hear her sigh before she answers.

“I don’t know.”

There’s a long pause, while I search for something I could give her to ease her hurt.

“I can get you publicity.”

She doesn’t reply straightaway. I only turn around when I feel her hand on my shoulder.

“How?”

“Let’s say... I bring you back home on my motorcycle. My publicist calls the paps, the media speculates you’re my new girlfriend... it gets your name in the media. What do you think?”

She ponders the idea for a minute, before agreeing reluctantly.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

 

The PR stunt turns out to be a success for everyone. Chloe gets good press, I get linked to her romantically – making sure no one in the media is tempted to dig into the nature of Jen and I’s relationship – and my name gets back in the news as award season is in full swing. Win-win situation.

Surprisingly, I had forgotten all about Jen’s follow-up message to my cold reply. I check it out that night, and chuckle when I see that we have thought quite similarly, once again.

JENNIFER: Now they’re gonna keep asking me if I’m dating Bradley. Watch it. They have no idea.

I can’t help the large smile forming on my face when I type back an answer.

JOSH: Is it too risky if I join you for the after-party tomorrow?

Instead of a text, she answers me with a call. I walk out to the terrace to take it, crashing on the outdoor sofa and lying there with my legs propped up on the cushions.

“Hey, Jen,” I say. “How are you?”

“Not so fine,” she lets out in a raspy, exhausted voice. “I’ve got the flu.”

“Oh my. I’m sorry. So you will miss the Globes?”

“There’s no way I can do that, Josh, you know that,” she coughs. “If there’s one award I’m pretty sure to win, it’s this one. I just can’t miss it.”

“You have to rest, Jen.”

“I’ll rest after. I’ve got a few days of break before the next thing I have to attend. Some luncheon, or screening or something. I don’t remember.”

I stare at the overhead canopy, closing my eyes.

“My parents are gonna stuff me full of meds tomorrow,” she adds. “I’ll be completely stoned. No biggie.”

“So you won’t stay for the after-party? For once, I’ve got an invite.”

“I don’t know yet. We’ll see how it goes. I’d really like to go, though. If you’re going. But don’t wait for me. Bring a date or something.”

I sigh.

“Okay. Well... in any case, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Take care.”

“Thank you Josh.”

When I hang up, I let out a groan of frustration. As much as I know I have to forget the possibility of ever being more than friends with her, the reality is that I miss her. I long for her smile, her laugh, her look. I want to joke with her, talk with her about all or nothing, just hang out without having to follow a tight schedule or care about our appearance.

But she’s so busy, and this might be another wasted opportunity.

The next day, I go through my contacts and find that a couple of my girl friends are planning to attend the Globes’ after party, and they invite me to join them. All night long, I keep texting Jen, hoping her health is getting better. But the longer the night drags on, the sicker she becomes, until she tells me that she’ll head home right after the ceremony to get some well-needed rest. Even though I’m disappointed, I’m glad she’s taking the time to get better.

I put on a façade and attempt to pretend I’m enjoying myself, but inside, my thoughts keep drifting away to Jennifer and the pathetic state she was in tonight. How I regret making it here tonight – although being seen with a bunch of attractive ladies will sure help keep the potential rumors of Jen and I dating off our backs – rather than waiting for her at her place, cuddling with her to help her sleep, helping her feel better as best as I can.

And so when one of my friends decides to leave early, I’m not sad. Not at all. I’m just looking forward to crashing on my own bed, so that I can visit Jen as soon as possible tomorrow.

Unfortunately, her parents have other plans. When I call in the morning to get news and ask if I can visit her, her mom answers her phone in her place and coldly forbids me from visiting.

And lets me know subtly that I shouldn’t try to contact her again that day.

After I hang up, I stare into space for a while, wondering what’s going on. I don’t know her parents much, but we got along pretty well the few times we met. The fact that I’m a Kentuckian just like them, combined to the deep affection Jen has always shown towards me, always made me feel like I was part of the family. So the sudden change of attitude seems strange – and hurtful – to me.

But I suck it up, try to distract myself by going on a walk with my dog, and wait for the next day. This time, Jen is the one who answers, and she sounds delighted to hear my voice. She seems much more rested than the last time I saw her, on TV the night of the Globes, which makes me feel really happy. I offer her to come and visit, and I’m glad that she accepts.

I get ready fast, quickly slipping on a pair of black jeans along with my black “Deth Killers” t-shirt, and I decide to use my car for more privacy. Neither of us needs gossip magazines speculating that I was visiting her at her house.

I make sure to let them know I’ve arrived before getting out of the car, so I wouldn’t have to wait for the gate to be unlocked and risk getting pictured. My heart starts racing in my chest as I make my way to the condo Jen lives in, and after I knock on the door, I hide my hands in my pockets, stepping from one leg to the other nervously. Finally, her father opens the door, greeting me with a timid smile.

“Hi, Josh,” he says, motioning for me to enter, which I do quickly.

“Hi, Gary,” I reply, taking my shoes off in the hallway. “How is she?”

“You’ll see for yourself. She’s a little better than she was on Sunday.”

“Great.”

At that moment, Jen’s mom gets out of her bedroom. When she sees me there, she purses her lips, looking slightly annoyed. I try to push that impression at the back of my mind, and muster up a warm smile.

“She’s been asking for you this morning,” she says, now obviously a bit irritated. “You can go in, but you gotta let her sleep.”

“Alright. Thank you.”

She simply nods, and I slowly walk into Jen’s room, closing the door behind me. I stare at her sleeping form for a few minutes. She’s lying on the bed on her belly, her face turned towards me. Her eyebrows are twisted in a frown, which makes her look a bit worried. I kneel down next to her bed, lifting a hand to push a strand of hair away from her forehead. She doesn’t wake up, but as I keep stroking the side of her face gently, she finally opens her eyes and smiles upon seeing my face.

“Josh... I’m so glad to see you.” Her weak voice makes me concerned.

“Your dad told me you were better, but you don’t look much better, Jen,” I say in a whisper. She shrugs.

“I cough a lot. There’s a doctor that’s supposed to come see me later today.”

She starts coughing, and I hold her hair away from her face while she lifts her body up and takes a sip of water to help her throat.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

She looks at me, her eyes full of hope.

“Just stay with me?”

She tries to sit up, but I stop her.

“You have to stay in bed, Jen.”

“I know. But if you don’t mind... would you hold me? Just for a little bit?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

I don’t even think before climbing in the bed behind her, sitting with my back leaning on the wall. She nestles herself between my legs, her arms tucked on my chest, and I pull the cover over us. She’s shaking a little bit, possibly from a light fever as I realize her body is abnormally warm.

I drop a light kiss on top of her head as she starts coughing again.

“I haven’t congratulated you yet, you know.”

“For what?”

“Your Globe, silly.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“I’m so proud of you, Jen. You have no idea. Even if we’re just friends...”

I let my voice trail off, unable to get to the end of my thought. The truth is that my heart still swells for her as if she were mine. As if we truly were partners. As if our lives were tangled up.

I feel her hand cup my cheek, and she lifts her head up enough so she can see my sad eyes.

“I love you.”

“What?”

My heart starts beating faster. She can’t possibly mean it the same way I do, can she?

“I love you.”

Her voice is raspy, but determined.

“Don’t kiss me, or you’ll catch my shit,” she jokes, and I chuckle lightly, before my features go back to the confused expression I’ve been wearing ever since she uttered the three words I was hoping to hear coming out of her mouth for so long. But before I reply, I convince myself that she can’t possibly mean it.

“Yeah, I know.”

“How come?”

“I love you too, Jen. You’re my best friend.”

“That’s not what I mean, Josh.”

I stare at her in disbelief.

“You have a fever, Jen. You need to sleep. We’ll talk about this later.”

She finally nods, and rests her head on my chest again, which makes me grateful, as I don’t want her to see my expression turning into sadness when I realize that the words I’ve longed to hear for what seems like forever couldn’t come out of her mouth unless she was being delirious. It hurts too much.

 

* * *

 

 

I eventually fall asleep with her, and we’re both woken up by her mother, who walks in the room, barely taking the time to knock on the door beforehand, to let us know the doctor is in. She gives us a few minutes to wake up fully and disentangle ourselves from each other.

“Will you leave?” Jennifer asks, rubbing her face with her hand.

“Do you want me to?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll stay. Do you want me to stay with you while the doctor is here, or-“

“Yes. Please?”

“Sure.”

I sit back on the bed next to her, taking her hand reassuringly. When her mom enters the room again, this time with the doctor in tow, and she sees I don’t budge, her face turns cold. Jen notices it immediately.

“I need him to stay, mom,” she says in a shaky voice.

“If that’s what you want,” she answers with a shrug, leaving us alone with the doctor, a medium-height, middle-aged man with glasses.

“Hello, miss Lawrence,” he says with a nod. “I’m Doctor Hudson. So, how long has this been going on?”

“Less than a week,” she replies, and I’m thrown back to the night of the PCA’s. She was perfectly healthy back then.

“Okay. And you’ve been coughing? With secretions?”

“Yes.”

“Fever, chills, delirium?”

She answers almost all of his questions with a strong nod. The more she details her illness, the more sick and concerned I feel. I stroke her hand with my thumb to comfort her, and she gives me a genuine smile. The doctor then proceeds to the physical examination, and he looks pretty confident with his diagnosis.

“Miss Lawrence, you have pneumonia. You’ll need antibiotics and lots of rest –“

“I can’t stay in bed much longer. My schedule is super charged.”

“I know. But we’re talking just an extra couple of days before it likely gets better. Just enough for the antibiotics to kick in and start their job.”

“Oh, okay.”

He gets his prescription pad out of his bag and starts scribbling the Rx. Once he’s done, he hands her the paper and smiles.

“Congratulations on your awards, miss,” he says, and she quickly returns his smile. “I’ve seen your movie. _Silver Linings Playbook_? You were very good. Good luck for the Oscars.”

“Thank you.”

He gets out of the room, and she turns to face me.

“Well?”

“I guess someone’s gotta go pick up your meds. Do you want me to do it?”

“That would be awesome. Thank you.”

“I think I’d score points with your mom,” I chuckle darkly. “She looks really pissed at me. I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either,” she says, biting her lip.

“Jen?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Well... I think it’s just... they both liked Nick a lot, you know. So they kinda miss him, I think.”

“And they think I’m taking his place? That’s ridiculous.”

“Why would it be so?”

Her gaze gets intense, and I swallow down thickly, my mind going back in time to the moment earlier where she told me she loved me. It was just the fever talking.

Was it?

The possibility that she might mean it is scaring me out. I look down at the paper she’s holding in her hand, and I sigh.

“Come on,” I say, fetching the paper out of her hand. “The earlier you start, the earlier you’ll get better.”

She nods, and before I can leave her room, she stands up and wraps her arms around my neck to give me a warm hug. She brings her mouth close to my ear and whispers.

“I mean everything I said.”


	4. Chapter 4

The sweet words Jennifer whispered in my ear, just before I left her house to go buy her medicine, replay in a loop on my mind for a while after.

“ _I mean everything I said.”_

Could she have guessed my torment? Was it still the fever speaking? I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t want to let go of my protective walls just yet... but at the same time, I’m dying to give up all my reserve, to welcome her in my arms, to bask in this fantasy I’ve been dreaming of for so long.

After that day, it takes two whole weeks before I have the opportunity to see her again. She recovered from her pneumonia very well, but she had a lot of commitments to honor for both her Oscar campaign and the promotion of her movie, as well as the Screen Actors Guild Awards ceremony to attend. We keep in touch with text messages every day, but it’s not the same as being able to spend time together in the flesh.

It hurts to see her attend these events all by herself again, but I suck it up and wait for the next day, as we have planned a little lunch together at her place. That’s the only time she can make for me in her insanely busy schedule these days. I don’t complain. It’s better than nothing, after all.

Just like last time, I manage to enter the property discreetly, and I’m greeted by her mom, who doesn’t look as pissed to see me as she was the other day. Instead, her face shows indifference.

We’re making progress, I guess.

“Hi, Karen,” I say, trying to muster my most cheerful voice. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she answers sharply. I swallow thickly. “Jennifer is-“

“I’m here, mom,” she says on a happy tone, running out of her bedroom. She looks much healthier than the last time I saw her. The glint is back in her eyes, along with her bright smile. My eyes roam her whole body, which is covered by a close-fitting black tank top and tight denim shorts that barely cover her butt. She walks up to me and lends me a hand, pulling me with her to the living room.

The first thing I notice when I enter the room is the side table, which I hadn’t seen the last time I came, and that is now plowing under the weight of several trophies. Jen follows my gaze and smiles proudly, instantly reaching for her newest addition, the SAG award.

“That’s a really nice table you’ve got there,” I chuckle, walking closer to examine the statuettes garnishing it.

“Got another one!” she laughs, shoving the naked man statue in my face. I take it in my hands, checking it out carefully, wondering if one day, I’ll get one too. As if she was reading my thoughts, she snatches it back from me, and when I look up at her, she graces me with a warm smile.

“I can’t wait for you to get one too.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” I joke, but inside, I’m far from kidding. She shakes her head and walks to the couch, crashing on it with a quiet thud. I look at the kitchen and bite my lip.

“Come on,” she says.

As if on cue, her dad walks in the doorway.

“Jen, your mom and I are gonna have lunch somewhere,” he says. “Do you need anything when we come back?”

“No, it’s alright.”

He smiles and waves at her, winking mischievously.

“See you later.”

They get out of the house soon after. I’m really grateful for their obvious effort to give us some privacy. We could have gone to my place, but that would have meant less time together, as she would likely have been stuck in the traffic on her way there. And I don’t want to waste any extra minute I can spend with her, even if it means putting up with the cold looks her parents keep throwing my way, for some reason.

At least, her dad doesn’t seem too mad at me.

Once we hear the car leave the driveway, Jen looks up at me, before springing up and leading me to the kitchen.

“I’m starving,” she says, opening the fridge to fetch the ingredients to make sandwiches.

“Why am I not surprised?” I wink, and she returns the nod with a smile.

An almost sexy smile.

I sigh, leaning with my back against the counter.

“Do you need help?” I ask.

“No, I’ve got it. Well, maybe you could get us a bottle of wine and open it?”

“Yeah, sure. Wine and sandwiches. Classy!”

“Wine goes with everything, Mr. Fancypants.”

“Alright, alright!” I chuckle, raising my hands up in mock defeat.

I walk to the cellar and pick a bottle of white wine. I admit I don’t know much about the different kind of wines, but I figure the Lawrence must have good taste.

When I come back, she’s busy putting together her own sandwich, and without even looking up, she pushes an empty plate towards me and points at the ingredients she’s lined up on the counter: meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, and bread.

“I don’t know what you like apart from your disgusting turkey sub from Subway,” she says with a smile.

“That’s pretty much what I’m gonna make.”

And then I quickly assemble my own sandwich while she picks up two empty glasses of wine and carries them to the table along with her plate. I follow her not long after, sitting down on the chair closest to her, facing her at an angle.

She literally devours her sandwich, and I follow suit, in silence. I know we’ll need to have a serious discussion later, but I’m pushing it as far as possible. I’m not ready. I just try to enjoy the sight as much as I can, watching her lovely face as she savours the taste of her food, the sparkle in her eyes when she dares glance at me, or the subtle hint of cleavage in her tank top that I fight hard not to ogle at.

I take a gulp of wine to put my attention away from her. It tastes a bit fruity. I like it.

“You picked well,” she remarks after taking a sip of her own.

“It was at random. Your parents have good taste.”

“I guess they do.”

I stare down and speak in a low voice.

“They hate me.”

“Josh...” she says in a shaky voice, covering my hand with hers and setting the rest of her sandwich on her plate. I look up at her sadly.

“It’s true. Your mom, at least. I don’t understand. I really don’t. What did I do wrong?”

“You did nothing wrong,” she murmurs.

“Then, why?”

She bites her lower lip. I know the reason. She alluded to it already. I thought she was joking. Apparently, it was more serious than any of us thought.

“Maybe she’s right,” I suggest, my heart tightening in my chest. “Maybe Nick is better for you.”

“Well,” she replies, her voice stronger, “if she thinks that, she’s totally wrong. Anyway, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. She’ll have to deal with it.”

I shrug and look down at our still touching hands. She starts running her fingers gently over my skin, and a chill bolts down my spine in response.

“Do you still miss him?” I dare to ask, turning my hand over to return her caress while still avoiding her gaze.

“No. I don’t think so,” she answers in a soft voice, her fingers traveling up my forearm, dancing on my skin, making the hair on it rise.

I swallow thickly and finally look up, slowly, taking in her very serious eyes.

“Jen?”

“It’s you that I miss, Josh. I can’t stop thinking about that day we spent together at your house... I miss your arms, I miss your voice, I miss your laugh...”

“Shhh,” I interrupt her, casually dropping a hand on her bare thigh.

“I know it’s my own fault that you can’t trust me anymore-“

“Stop it. Jen, we’re not gonna go back to this. Let’s just forget what happened, okay?”

She nods simply, and I gently pull on her arm to invite her for a tight hug. As my own arms lock around her shoulders, I let out a deep contented sigh. There’s nothing like the feeling I have when she’s here, in my arms. She pulls back a little, just enough to look me in the eyes, and whispers.

“I think I’m falling in love with you, Josh.”

It takes me a moment to grab the significance of her words, to let them sink in deep within me, to decide if I want to keep up those walls I’ve so carefully crafted over these past few weeks, or rather abandon myself to her insisting gaze, her wandering hands, her intoxicating breath.

And so when I reach up to catch her lips with mine, I decide the time for second-guessing us is over. I choose to give us a second chance. I want to trust her, I really do.

And I just can’t resist her charm anymore.

She quickly deepens the kiss, opening her mouth wide to let me in. I grab her butt to pull her on my lap, and she settles comfortably on my thighs, her legs spread apart on each side of my body. I pull her as close as I can while she cradles my face, her mouth devouring mine, as if she wanted to swallow me whole. The frenzy dance of her lips with my own, coupled with the gentle caress of her soft fingers on my skin, quickly drives me crazy with lust. She detaches her lips from mine, sighs deeply, and starts leaving a trail of kisses along the side of my jaw, all the way to my earlobe, which she starts sucking and licking. I let out a deep breath, my hands slipping underneath the fabric of her tank top, as I’m dying to touch her skin.

“Take it off,” I whisper hungrily, before planting my lips on her neck and nibbling the thin skin there.

She pulls back a little and starts tugging on it, but I stop her quickly.

“Wait. What if your parents come back?”

“You’re right,” she lets out in a sigh. “Let’s go to my room.”

I don’t need to be told twice. She giggles in surprise when I stand up in one swift move, pulling her with me in my arms. I slide an arm under her butt as she hangs tightly onto my neck, and I capture her lips with mine while I walk towards her bedroom. I stop on my way, pressing her body against the wall. She locks her legs around my waist and plays with my hair as she resumes her thorough exploration of my mouth. The sensations spread throughout my whole body. I’m dying to take her, to feel her walls close in on my dick, to see her writhe underneath my body as I thrust into her repeatedly.

But at the same time, I don’t want this to end. I want to explore every inch of her body, listen to her moans for hours, make that moment last seemingly forever.

Forget what happened last time. This is a new start for us.

My lips quickly travel down her neck, and I start licking my way on her collarbone. She gasps, and I look up, our gazes full of desire locking together.

“Let’s go,” she murmurs, and I finally nod.

Once we’re inside her bedroom, I kick the door closed with my foot before setting her on the floor carefully, and she finally takes off the tank top, giving me a perfect view of her round breasts. I sigh and walk to her, taking my own t-shirt off at the same time. The sun peeks through the blinds, its rays lighting the white comforter covering her bed, making the whole scene feel like I’m living in a dream. She grabs my hands to pull me to her, and I wrap my arms around her slender waist, pulling her as close to me as I can. The contact of her naked skin rubbing on mine is welcome, after having fantasised about it for so long.

She then gives me a more tender kiss, as if she were trying to convey that she wasn’t kidding. That all of this isn’t just pure lust. That she was totally sincere when she said she loved me.

My hands travel downward, sliding inside her shorts, and I cup her ass gently. She lets go of my lips just long enough to work the button of my pants and push them down, along with my boxers. I don’t waste a second in doing the same for her, and we finally stand before each other, stark naked. In daylight.

She’s absolutely gorgeous.

And I can’t not tell her.

“You’re so beautiful, Jen,” I whisper, and as I’m leaning in for another kiss, she interrupts me.

“Oh, stop it,” she chuckles.

“It’s true.” I kiss the side of her neck. “Pretty.” Another kiss on her jaw. “Stunning.” I dip into the crease of her neck. “Striking.” I lower my face down to her boobs and wrap my lips around her nipple, sucking on it and biting gently. “So fucking sexy.”

I palm her other breast and make circular motions on the nipple as I keep sucking and licking the other, and she backs off, pulling me with her, until the back of her knees hits the bed. I help her lie down on it, before climbing atop her, careful not to put any weight on her body. She welcomes me between her legs, and I caress her hair gently, staring at her for a moment.

I can’t believe where I am, what I’m doing, where we’re taking our relationship.

And apparently, neither can she, because I notice a hint of concern in her eyes. She bites her lip, and I gently take it away from her teeth with my thumb, giving her a small smile.

“It’s okay,” I whisper, caressing her cheek with my thumb. “We’re gonna be okay. I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”

“I know.” Her mouth curls into a small grin.

I lean in and press my lips against hers for a quick kiss, before making my way down her body, stopping at her breasts for a while, playing with them with my fingers, with my mouth, grazing them with the slight stubble covering my jaw when I understand by her increased moans that it’s turning her on. She grabs one of my hands and laces her fingers with mine.

As I’m getting closer to her belly button, I let go of her hand and bring it to her clit, which I start carefully rubbing with my thumb. I lift my gaze to observe her; she’s got her eyes closed, a big smile etched on her face.

“Oh my God, Josh, keep going... don’t stop.”

Encouraged by her moans, I slide a finger inside, and then one more, pumping first slowly, then harder, covering the expanse of her skin with kisses at the same time and keeping with the circular motions on her sensitive spot. Her scent is driving me crazy.

But then, I realize that as badly as I would want to spend the whole afternoon in bed with her, teasing her relentlessly, and as private as her bedroom is compared to the family’s kitchen, her parents could come back any time and interrupt us.

And I definitely don’t want that.

“Jen?” I ask. “Do you have...”

“Yes,” she says, twisting her body towards her bedside table and opening the drawer, getting a condom out. She hands it to me and as I tear open the package, she straightens up and grabs my waiting dick, pumping it a few times. I shudder with arousal, and wait a little bit, enjoying the sensation of her fingers running up and down my shaft, before rolling the condom down.

Once I’m done, I quickly kneel between her legs, my face hovering impossibly close to hers. A simple nod tells me what I want to ask her.

She’s ready.

When I finally push inside her, it doesn’t feel like it’s our second time. It doesn’t feel like it’s our first time either.

It feels like home. It feels like we’ve done this together for years.

It feels like destiny.

I expect her to need some accommodating, but she’s so aroused that she quickly meets my thrusts, forcing me to go even deeper. She hooks her legs behind my back, her heels slightly digging into my skin, and she cups my face, pulling me in for a kiss.

I don’t want to think about what happened last time. I want to move on.

As I increase the pace of my thrusts, her moans become louder, and soon, I’m panting and sweating, the warmth in the room overwhelming me.

I feel myself getting close to climax very rapidly, but I don’t want this to end. Not so fast. And so I try to pace myself, closing my eyes to avoid looking at the beauty underneath me, but it’s useless. She’s etched into my mind, and I’m powerless to do anything.

After a few more thrusts, I come in a loud moan, before crashing down, my head resting in the crease of her neck. She runs her hands over my back, peppering my cheek with kisses.

“That was so good, Josh,” she says.

“Yeah, right,” I say on a dejected tone. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry.”

I look up to take in her understanding eyes. Eyes that look full of love. Eyes that I choose to trust.

I lean in and cover her lips with mine, before pulling away and sliding out to take care of the soiled condom. Then, I lower myself down next to her, propping myself on an elbow, and I let my other hand reach her clit, which I start to stroke the way she seems to like it. She answers me with a smile, wrapping her hand around mine to teach me how she prefers it, and I quickly take the hint, pressing harder and moving faster on it. She responds with heavy breaths, her body starting to tremble as I kiss the side of her neck gently. Finally, as I begin to push inside her with my other fingers, she lets out a loud moan, which I swallow with a kiss. I soon feel her muscles start to clench around my fingers and her bundle of nerves pulse under my thumb.

“Oh God, Josh...” she lets out as she rides the waves of her orgasm.

My heart starts beating faster when I realize she’s finally said it. She’s called my name.

Not his.

I brush my lips along her jaw, going down the side of her neck and then back up to her mouth, and after I give her a simple, but heartfelt kiss, she lets out a deep breath, completely spent.

“Gosh, you’re good with your fingers,” she smiles.

“I guess so.”

She rolls on her belly, lifting her body just enough so I can slide my arm under her head and pull her closer to me. She curls up against my side, her arm splayed over my chest, her fingers playing with the fine patches of hair covering my torso. She tucks her head under my chin, and I breathe deeply.

I feel so good.

“What are you doing this week?” she asks.

“Going to the Super Bowl. I’ve got this celebrity flag football thing to attend. And then a celebrity basketball game in Houston a few days later.”

“Oh.”

“I wish you could come with me. I wish...”

I bite my lip. She looks up, frowning.

“What?”

I sigh, avoiding her stare.

“I wish I could go with you to your award shows. Not because I want to show off with you. No. Just because I see how much it stresses you out, wears you out, to the point where you get sick. I get worried for you. I wish I could be there to reassure you, cheer you up, support you.”

“I wish you could be there too,” she sighs, lowering her head back to its previous resting place. “I don’t know when it could be possible though. I don’t want what’s between us to be tainted by the media. This is just us. You and me. And maybe our families and close friends. But I don’t want the rest of the world to know.”

My heart sinks in my chest. My head knows why she’s saying that, but it’s like my heart doesn’t align. I just can’t help but think that this might not be the only reason. That maybe she’d be ashamed of dating me. In a way, I don’t belong in her world. Not yet, at least.

“You’re too precious to me to take the risk of turning your life into a circus,” she murmurs.

I drop a kiss on top of her head.

“Mine is already enough of a circus as it is,” she adds. “No need to drag you into that madness.”

I wish I had the courage to tell her that I wouldn’t mind it. That I’d do it – for her. But we both know it would be too soon.

 

* * *

 

 

Our schedules constantly clash for the next two weeks or so, making it almost impossible to see each other. We mostly keep in communication via texting, Facetime and the occasional Skype session – one of which is a cybersex attempt that turns out to be more hilarious than a real turn on – since I’m attending the Super Bowl while she’s traveling to the BAFTA’s in London and taking part in different promotional events for her movie. The next time I finally see her is at the airport in LA, on our way to the re-shoots that were added to the schedule shortly after the movie wrapped filming in Hawaii last year.

As soon as we’re onboard the plane, hidden from the view of onlookers, I pull her in my arms for a warm hug, raveling in the feeling of her arms locked around my shoulders, of her breath caressing my neck, of her hair pressed on my cheek. I squeeze her body tightly, and when we finally let go, I’m even happier to see her smile.

Until I notice there’s something strange in her grin. Almost as if it were forced, or cold even.

I decide to shake it off for now. She’s probably just exhausted, or tired of being asked questions about the newest addition to her trophy collection or the unforgettable incident that happened in the stairs as she was walking up to pick up her Oscar.

I also quickly find out that she’s not making the trip by herself. She’d already made arrangements to bring Laura, one of her best friends, with her, going as far as sharing her hotel suite with her.

Since I’ll share mine with Andre, it’s gonna be hard to find some privacy. I curse the situation in my head a little, but at the same time, I really can’t blame her for wanting to give back some good time to her close friends. Didn’t I do the same kind of thing with Chloe last year?

I briefly reckon that it’s not exactly the same, as she was renting her own hotel room and she was there mostly as a booty call, but still. I was glad back then to invite her for the trip, and not just for selfish reasons. It must be the same for Jen; I would be a hypocrite to be mad at her for that.

During the flight, we’re both too exhausted to do anything other than sleep, so we nap together the whole time, her head nestled on my shoulder and mine resting atop hers, our hands entwined comfortably. We wake up just before landing, freshly rested, ready to explore our hotel and hang out a little as we’re only scheduled to start working tomorrow.

After I drop my luggage in my room , I text Jen to ask her if she wants to come with me for a swim, but she declines the invitation, fearing the paps she remembers lurking on the beach when we first came to Hawaii to film. She tells me she’ll hang out with Laura instead, and that we could go for a drink after. Disappointed, I still accept her offer. Deep down, I know it’s better that way, as we can’t afford to be seen together yet, but it still stings to know that she won’t chance being pictured with me.

And so despite my enjoying myself trying to ride the waves, my mind keeps going back to her, to her avoidant behavior, to the coldness in her eyes on the plane, and I can’t wait to see her again to find out if she still seems upset. There’s a nagging feeling at the bottom of my stomach that I don’t like at all. I don’t stay long in the water, retreating back to the hotel quickly.

I text Jen again to know when she wants to go down to the hotel bar, but she replies that she’s busy sharing a blunt and a wine bottle with Laura.

I sigh and decide to do the same, inviting Andre, my stunt double Ralf – who accompanied me on my surf escapade and tried to get me to spill what was wrong, with no success – and a couple of close crew members to spend a moment with me on my balcony. A few minutes after they’re all there, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, and I walk back into my room to get some privacy. It’s just a text message, but I know if I check it on the balcony, the guys will do whatever they can to sneak a peek at its contents.

JENNIFER: Meet me in my room in 20 minutes? I’ll send Laura down before us.

I finally smile, and quickly type back a reply.

JOSH: I’ll be there. Should I send Andre to meet her?

Her answer comes seconds after.

JENNIFER: You definitely should. ;-)

I can’t help the rush of warmth that travels along my body upon seeing that graphic smile. Maybe I’m worrying for nothing. It must have just been the residual stress. Now that she’s relaxed a bit, she’s back to her normal, cheerful self.

I practically count the minutes until I almost reach twenty, downing a can of Diet Pepsi while I wait. The guys still chat on the balcony, barely paying attention to me. I walk back outside, lightly tapping Andre’s arm to catch his attention.

“Hey, man,” I start, looking down. “Jen is inviting us for a drink downstairs. She’s almost ready to go.”

“Oh, good,” he replies. I bite my lip. I haven’t been obvious enough.

“Laura is supposed to leave real soon, if she hasn’t already. How about you go meet her, and Jen and I will meet you soon after?”

When his face slowly turns into a smile, I understand that he’s finally caught on what I was trying to tell him. Ralf, who’s been obviously listening to us, catches the hint and tells the other guys that they should head to their rooms to change. I’m relieved, and then everyone leaves my room at once.

I grab a condom from my backpack – just in case – and shove it into the pocket of my swimming shorts, before taking my phone, my wallet, and the key to my room on my way out. The walk to Jen’s room isn’t long, as our suites are located next to one another. I take a deep breath as I knock on her door, and as soon as the door opens, she grabs a fistful of my tank top and pulls me into the room, kicking the door closed behind me.

And then in a second, she has me pressed against it, her hands cupping my face forcefully, her lips crashing on mine with all the built-up tension from the last few weeks releasing in a single moment.

Oh how I had missed the sensation of her soft, plump lips massaging mine, and of her hands rummaging through my body.

She quickly pulls back to help me out of my tank top, and I immediately do the same with her t-shirt. The sight of her naked breasts turns me on immensely, and I wrap my arms around her waist to push her towards the bed. She laces her arms around my neck, planting her lips on mine again as if she never wanted to let go. After a while, I detach my lips from hers to take a deep breath, and her mouth starts traveling along the side of my jaw, leaving light kisses that caress my skin, like a whisper of all the love she claims to feel for me.

It feels so, so good.

“Oh, God, Jen...” I murmur as she worries my earlobe between her teeth gently. “Fuck.”

“Soon,” she speaks softly. “We need to be quick. Don’t want to make our friends wait and tease us, right?”

“Yeah. Definitely not. So you should take these off right away then,” I say with a smirk, pulling on the edge of her shorts. She winks at me, unbuttons them and lets them slide to the floor, still keeping her panties on. “Erm, this too,” I add, taking a grasp at the last remaining article of clothing. She giggles and pulls my hands off it.

“Not until you’ve taken these off too,” she winks, pointing at my swim trunks. I smile remove them in one swift move, freeing my cock for her to see.

“Happy, now?” I reply, tugging on her panties again. This time, she lets me do it, and as soon as she stands there, completely naked before me, I push her onto the mattress and climb over her, running my hands everywhere while my mouth ravishes every curve, every spot, every place of her perfect body. She grabs a fistful of my blonde hair as I travel quickly down her body, licking and kissing my way down to her pussy, which I find already wet and waiting for me. I know we need to make it quick, but I can’t resist the temptation to tease her some more. Can’t stop listening to her panting breaths and loud moans, mixing with the ambient sound of the waves crashing on the beach outside, as my tongue laps at her clit. Can’t stop staring at her face, which is set in a flushed expression as she trembles under me, her legs gently pressing on the sides of my head involuntarily as the pleasure must build inside her.

“Josh...” she cries out. “Josh!”

“More?” I look up, and she doesn’t even open her eyes. She looks like she’s stuck in another world.

“Oh my God, don’t stop.”

I resume my sucking and licking of her clit while starting to fuck her with my fingers. She breathes out in response, her body lifting off the mattress of its own accord. It’s so sexy, I fear I might come on the spot.

But I really, really want to achieve this before I go further. And so I replace my mouth with my thumb, tracing circles on her bundle of nerves while applying even more pressure, and thrust my fingers inside her much, much faster. I raise my head to take her in. She’s grabbing one of her breasts reflexively, and I use my other hand to fondle the other one.

“Come for me, honey,” I whisper.

“Fuck, Josh...” she says in a low voice, in between her rasping breaths. And then, I feel her climax, her walls flexing around my fingers repeatedly. I slide them out of her vagina and climb back up, pressing my lips against hers in a tender kiss. As I pull back gently, I whisper, my breath hot on her lips.

“You want more?”

“Yes,” she says, finally looking at me with a smile, grabbing both sides of my head with her hands. “I want you.”

I peck her lips and stand up to retrieve my shorts.

“What are you doing?” she asks, propping herself up on her elbows, a confused expression etched on her flushed face.

As I pull the condom out of the pocket, I shove it in her face and chuckle.

“I thought that was what you meant you wanted?”

Her face relaxes into a smile.

“Yeah. Right, of course.”

I wink and roll down the condom on my length, before leaning in and grabbing her hips gently to encourage her to turn around.

“Come on,” I say. “Let’s try something new.”

She quickly grasps where I’m heading and positions herself facing the headboard on all fours, and I settle myself on my knees behind her. I palm her butt gently, letting out a sigh.

“God, your ass is perfect, you know that?”

“Really?” she replies, twisting her neck back to see me.

“Don’t tell me no one ever told you? You have the nicest ass I’ve ever seen.” I hover over her back, leaning in to whisper in her ear as I push her hair away from it. “Can’t wait to fuck you.”

“Then go ahead,” she says in a husky voice. I feel my member pulse in reaction, and I know that if I don’t go for it soon, I’ll blow my load before I have a chance to thrust even once inside her.

It barely registers that she just admitted her ex never complimented her on the perfection of her ass. What an idiot.

I straighten up, grab her hips and push inside her vagina slowly at first, until I reach the brink and she gasps in answer.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. Just go slowly at first, okay? You’re going so fucking deep.”

“You’re not used to it?”

Though it definitely flatters my ego, I almost regret what I just implied, but when she cranes her neck again to wink at me, I figure that she doesn’t mind it.

And so I begin moving, slowly at first, until she begs me to go faster. Still, I hold back, fearing that I’ll come too soon. That I won’t have time to enjoy the sensation of her walls closing in around my cock, the arousing sound of our flesh slapping against each other, and the sight of her welcoming me on all fours, letting me take her from behind.

This is quickly becoming one of my best sex experiences so far. I don’t want it to ever end.

As I try to push deeper, I’m rewarded with loud moans. We quickly find a working rhythm, and I soon feel the characteristic tightening sensation in my balls as she starts rubbing her clit in time with my thrusts, obviously getting quicker to her own release too.

I focus on the contracting movements of her muscles, and it pays off when I feel them clench around my cock in a pulsing pattern, along with a loud cry of pleasure coming from her mouth.

“Josh...” she says, and it’s enough to send me over the edge. I still while I ride the waves of my orgasm, leaning in to pepper her shoulder blades with small kisses.

Once I catch my breath and the feeling subsides, I slide away, remove the condom and discard it. Jen gets up from the bed, walking to me and pulling me to her for a hug.

“That was awesome,” she whispers in my ear, and I chuckle.

“Yeah, it was. Are you gonna be creative like that again this week?”

“I don’t know yet. We’ll see.”

We make our way to the bathroom to clean up, and then we dress up again to go meet our friends for a casual drink around the hotel’s swimming pool. Outside of her room, there’s no physical contact, no hand holding, no stolen kisses, not even secret glances at each other. No one can know about us.

But I’m ready to do whatever it takes to make this work. If it means hiding it every time we’re not in private, then so be it.

 

* * *

 

 

During the week, Andre offers to go sleep in one of the guys’ rooms so that Jen can sneak out of hers and Laura’s suite to spend the night with me. Most of the time, we’re too exhausted by our long days of work to do anything other than cuddle, share sweet kisses and sleep, but it doesn’t matter.

We’ll have all the time in the world to discover each other’s bodies when we go back home, despite the respective commitments we’ve got planned over the few months period following our wrap of these re-shoots. Anyway, lying there with her wrapped in my arms, feeling her regular breath on my chest as she sleeps soundly, and waking up to her lovely blue eyes or the sight of her head resting next to mine on the pillow is enough to fulfill my desires for the moment.

One day, we’re forced to retreat to our trailer for a thunderstorm that hits harder and longer than usual.

I would be lying if I said I was upset by it. Because as soon as we walk in, Jen turns around, locks the door and pushes me down on the couch, without a care for our soaked costumes dampening the material. She quickly climbs on my lap, straddling me, lacing her arms around my neck and pressing her lips against my eager ones. I welcome her tongue into my mouth, letting my hands caress her spandex-covered back until I can grasp her buttocks through the fabric of her costume. She moans, pressing her body more urgently against mine as her lips descend along the side of my jaw.

“I’ve been waiting for this all day,” I let out in a panting breath.

“Me too,” she murmurs in my ear.

Since the beginning of these reshoots, we’ve been able to sneak out of set several times during our breaks from filming, grasping every opportunity to make out while hidden in the jungle or swimming into the ocean. But this time, the bad weather is giving us a good excuse to stay locked in the privacy of our trailer, long enough to finally be able to address the yearning to abandon ourselves in each other’s arms that’s been growing with every passing day.

I let my hands travel up her back until I reach the zipper, which I quickly slide down to reveal her undershirt. She pulls away so she can free her arms of the costume, before I help her out of the shirt as well. She stands there, the costume down to her waist, only clad in her sports bra. Her wet hair drips on her damp skin, making it shine under the artificial lighting of the trailer. I move forward a little bit, and she’s quick to take the hint, zipping down my own costume. As I free my arms of the garment, she crashes her lips on mine again before climbing down my lap to take off the rest of her wetsuit. I follow suit immediately, until we both stand in front of each other completely naked, my cock already hard enough to fuck her right there.

My gaze is locked on hers for a while, until she slides her hands behind my head, playing with the wet strands of hair there, and I push on the small of her back to press her chest against me. The sensation of our damp skin touching, all cold and sticky, makes a shiver run through my spine. I lower my face to the crease of her neck, dropping kisses along her collarbone while she pushes me towards the couch again.

When she climbs on my lap once more, silent, a flushed expression on her face, I grab my cock and pump it a few times, feeling it swell even more in my fist. My fingers reach for her pussy, and I’m not surprised to find that she’s as ready as I am. I still take the time to play with her clit and fill her entrance with my fingers for a while, basking in the glory that is her face while she reacts to the pleasure it brings her.

“You like it?” I ask in a deep, raspy voice. I know from her quick breathing and little moves to get closer to me that she’s enjoying herself, but somehow, I need to hear it coming from her.

“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes, Josh... Oh my God.”

She leans in, cradling my face, and I reach up to meet her mouth halfway in a frenzied kiss, my lips chasing hers, my tongue desperately searching for her own. She breathes out, and as one of her hands travels down my torso to grab a hold of my cock, I’m suddenly hit by a wave of clarity.

“Do you have a condom?” I ask, breathless, my heartbeat accelerating. I don’t want to stop. But I know for a fact that I don’t keep protection here and I also know I haven’t brought any from my hotel room this morning. My only hope is that she has some with her.

She stares at me, gives me a warm smile, and climbs off my lap, walking towards the table, on which her purse is resting. She digs into it until she finally gets a foil packet out. I breathe out in relief, and as she walks back to me, I can’t help but check her out, a hand on my stiff cock, pumping leisurely as I take in the sight of her naked body, from her perfect curves to the swell of her breasts, and from the trimmed patch of hair highlighting her most private parts to her unending, slender legs.

She hands me the packet with a wink. I quickly tear it open and roll it down, before grabbing her hips and letting her position herself over my length.

“You’re so sexy,” I mutter, aligning my member with her entrance as she finally lowers herself onto it until it’s completely buried within her. This time, there’s no taking it slowly. She doesn’t wait to ride it fast, setting a rhythm that’s making me wild with pleasure. Her bouncing breasts, almost level with my mouth, feel like they beg to be kissed, and so I hold her body with one hand and grab one of her breasts in the other, moving my head forward so I can lick and suck on her sweaty skin. I crane my neck higher to reach her throat, and she leans into me, draping a hand on each side of my head, grabbing the back of the couch for leverage. I meet every one of her moves, going impossibly deep, and the sound of her moans resonating in the empty trailer makes my level of excitement rise.

“Fuck, Jen...” I say, rubbing her back with my hands as she lowers her lips to mine in a sensual kiss.

“Josh...” She hides her face against my neck. “Oh my God. “

She slows down a little and modifies the pattern of her moves, rubbing her clit on my pelvis as she softly gyrates over my dick. The sight of her riding my cock, lost in a sort of trance, makes me reach the edge.

“I’m gonna come, Jen,” I warn her, and she seems to snap out of her dream, giving me a warm smile and pressing her lips against mine.

“Then do it,” she winks. I answer her tease with a bright smile of my own, and help her resume faster and deeper thrusts, grabbing her hips to pound into her easier. Her knees poke into my torso, but I don’t care. I only focus on the sensations I’m feeling, from the light rubbing of her nipples on my chest, to the electrifying pleasure coming from my cock pushing into her vagina repeatedly.

“Tell me what you like,” I say, trying to forget I’m so close to climaxing. “Tell me what I need to do to make you come.”

Without a word, she stops moving over my cock and grabs one of my hands, bringing it to her clit. She starts rubbing it with my index finger the way I’ve been doing to tease her from the beginning, except that she increases the pressure on it. At the same time, she resumes her bouncing on my lap, and a loud cry of pleasure comes out of her mouth.

“Are you close?” I whisper, to which she just nods.

And she isn’t lying. A few more thrusts, combined with the incessant circular motion of my finger on her clit, is enough to push her over the cliff. Her muscles clench, and as she’s about to crash on my shoulder, completely spent, I sense the first signs of my imminent release. I let go in a whimper, and wrap my arms around her body, caressing her skin gently.

After a minute, sensing my erection starting to deflate, I drop a light kiss on her cheek and force her to jump off my lap so I can take care of the soiled condom. I cautiously hide it deep in the trash can in the washroom – one is never too careful with the kind of gossip it could attract – and I meet Jen back in the main room. She’s shivering, and so I take her robe from the portable closet and put it on her shoulders.

“Here.”

“Thank you.”

I slip my own robe on and we sit next to each other on the couch. She quickly curls up around me, her head nestled on my chest while I wrap my arm around her shoulders.

“I hope the weather is gonna be better for Woody’s party tomorrow,” I say, breaking the silence.

“Yes, it would suck if it’d rain like that again.”

We’re wrapping up later tonight – if the weather gets nice enough to let us resume filming – and then, we’ll have the whole day off tomorrow to enjoy Hawaii one last time before going back home. To celebrate the end of the shoot, Woody invited the whole cast and crew to a barbecue party at his own house.

I nod gently, playing with her now mostly dry hair.

“Are you staying in my room tonight?”

“I don’t think so. I’m off a little later than you. And Laura will stay with me on set until the wrap. I’ll go back to the hotel with her.”

“Okay.”

I’m a little disappointed, but it doesn’t matter. It’s just one night out of a multitude we’ll spend together in the future now that we’re finally on the same page about that.

 

* * *

 

 

“So... rumor has it you finally pulled your heads out of your asses?”

Woody always has this great way of welcoming us. I shake my head, walking up to him for a hug, Jennifer, Laura and Andre following me.

“Don’t say it too loud. We’re trying to be quiet.”

“Quiet,” he chuckles. “As if we didn’t know already. You two were obvious from day one.”

Jen hugs him without a word, and I start to think. It’s true that most of the cast and crew probably suspect there’s something between us. Especially after we disappeared alone in our trailer for the whole rain break yesterday. But still, the fewer people who know we’re in a relationship, the easier it is for us to remain private.

And knowing Jennifer, remaining private is the key to a lasting relationship. The last thing she needs is to be paraded everywhere with me by her side. She needs to be famous for the right reasons: because of her amazing talent, not because she’s dating her costar.

Especially when the costar in question is me. I still can’t believe her of all people would fall for me. As I stare at her from afar, while she’s digging into the cooler for a bottle of beer, I take in the perfect curves that her red bikini highlights, listen to her sexy voice, watch her soft hair flow in the wind. She’s so out of my league... yet she’s willing to give us a chance. I’m not gonna throw it away.

I walk up to her to fetch a beer for myself. As usual, people leave us alone, seemingly afraid to enter our precious bubble. I like it that way. I want to take advantage of every minute I have left before we get back to LA and I have to fly away to Panama while she makes the trip to Boston. This long distance thing is gonna kill me, but I’m ready to make every sacrifice needed to make this work.

I’m ready.

“Come on,” she says, grabbing my hand to lead me to the side of the pool. “Let’s hang out.”

I nod, uncap my beer bottle and take a good swig, before following her. We end up sitting next to each other, our legs dangling in the water, the few artificial lights around the pool making the atmosphere almost romantic.

It would be, if there weren’t a bunch of people making their way to us, amongst them Sam, his fiancée, Andre and Laura. They all walk or jump into the pool one after another, while we stay abnormally quiet, sipping our beers slowly.

“I don’t want to ever leave this place,” I smile, thinking back on all the great memories I have of the island. The greatest being all the times I’ve spent with her, of course. I turn to her, studying her face. She’s leaning backwards on her hands, her head tilted up towards the darkening sky, her eyes shut while she thinks.

“Not me.”

“Why?”

“Too many paps.”

I sigh. She reminds me how we were both photographed on our hotel balconies the first day – not only chatting innocently with our friends, but also sharing joints and booze – and I can see her point.

“But here, at Woody’s house, or where I was renting my house last year... it was quiet. It was perfect.”

She turns towards me, and a small smile draws itself on her lips.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

I decide to be bold and cover her hand with mine as she straightens up, leaning her head on my shoulder. She seems preoccupied. Maybe she’s being affected by the upcoming wrap of the movie. It’s always an emotional experience, even though at first we thought we were done last December, and we still have a couple of movies left to shoot before this is truly over. Yet, we know we’ll be a long time before working on this again – and perhaps an even longer time before working together, period, given my smaller role in the third movie – so I can get why she’d be upset.

I empty the bottle and set it on the ground behind me. She follows suit not long after, and I take the opportunity to pull her with me in the water by surprise. Once we emerge, I stare at her with a wicked grin, while she swims towards me, shouting obscenities.

“You, motherfucker, you’re so gonna pay for that!”

“Oh yeah?” I ask, swimming away from her. I’m faster than her, and it seems to frustrate her a little bit. Once I’ve reached the edge of the pool, I turn around and let her crash in my arms.

“Oh yeah.”

“And how so?” I whisper, leaning in for a quick kiss.

“No sex for you,” she replies in a low voice, and the simple idea of us having sex is enough to give tingles to my groin.

“I don’t believe you for a second. You enjoy it way too much, admit it.”

She glares at me, feigning to be mad, and I give her my most intense stare, until she bursts out laughing and laces her arms around my neck, hiding her face on my shoulder.

“See? Told you,” I add, wrapping my arms around her to pull her closer. She crosses her legs around my waist. I look around. No one is paying much attention to us, so I jump on the occasion and start leaving small kisses on her face, from her jaw to her ear, going back down towards her throat while she plays around with the hair at the base of my neck. I lick my way back up, tasting the salty flavor of the pool water on her skin, until I reach her mouth. She’s eager to let me in, kissing me passionately as if we were all alone in the world.

And we might as well be. I don’t care that anyone here tonight sees us. They won’t tell, for sure.

After a moment, I pull away to take a deep breath, and she, in turn, starts to explore the skin of my face with her lips and tongue, stopping at my pulse point to suck gently. I hold back a low groan, instead breathing more heavily as I feel the pleasure start to invade me.

“Let’s find a quiet place to fool around,” I whisper in her ear.

She looks up, scans the property, and nods. I follow her out of the pool, and we walk a little further down the beach to look for a hidden place. I spot the perfect location before she does: a nice patch of shrubs bordering a rock heap, surrounded by a few palm trees. I lead her there without a word, and I settle with my back pressed against the trunk of a tree, while she nestles herself between my legs, in what has become a familiar embrace.

I feel good.

But I want to resume what we’ve started in the pool. And so I start running my fingers over her damp arms, only stopping once I’ve reached her hands, which I grab inside of mine. She tucks her head under my chin.

“You’re quiet today,” I finally remark. “What’s on your mind?”

She shrugs her shoulders. I tighten my hold on her in an attempt to be reassuring.

“Are you afraid of what’s gonna happen when we come back?” I say in a low voice. She turns her head towards me, and it’s then that I see the tears in her eyes. “Jen... Jen, we’ll be fine, okay? We can make this work...”

But instead of having a calming effect, my words seem to accentuate her distress. She pulls away from me, wiping her eyes, and looks down, trying to catch her running breath.

I swallow thickly.

“Josh... I... I don’t know what I want to do anymore.”

My heart sinks in my chest. I feel my mouth get uncomfortably dry as I stare at her, dumbfounded.

“What do you mean?” I finally manage to utter, the anguish filling my chest even more with every passing second.

“When I was in London for the BAFTA’s...” she starts, and I don’t even need her to complete her sentence to figure it out. I still let her speak, although I’m unable to meet her gaze, now that I’ve guessed what she’s about to say. “I saw Nick. And he told me he wants us to get back together.”

Her words hurt as if I was being stabbed in the chest. This is too much for me. As I feel the bile start to rise up in my throat, I jump up and run back into Woody’s home. I make a beeline for the bathroom, which is fortunately free, shut and lock the door behind me and immediately empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Once I’ve stopped retching, I sit down on the cold ceramic floor, wiping my sweaty forehead, and finally letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

“Idiot...” I mutter to myself. “Fucking idiot.”

How could I have thought she had moved on? How naive of me to believe her after such a short time.

“Josh?”

Her husky voice on the other side of the door makes my insides churn.

“Leave me alone,” I reply, before hiding my face in my hands, sobbing harder.

“Josh, please...” There seems to be a sadness in her voice. Oh well, she must feel bad for leading me on.

Why did she do that? Why did she let me believe she loved me, when she didn’t?

“I really need to talk to you. It’s not what you think. Please, Josh... Let me in.”

I keep staring at a random spot on the wall, until my breathing gets more even and I finally decide to get up. I flush the toilet, rinse my mouth, and walk to the door. She quickly gets in, careful to lock the door behind her, and I make sure to avoid her gaze as I don’t want to go into another crying fit.

“I don’t know what else there is to say,” I finally let out. “I should have known. It was clear from the beginning, despite all the mixed signals you sent me. Forgive me for being dumb.”

“Josh...”

“No. You never even loved me, right? All this time... you were enjoying the sex, the distraction... but it wasn’t love.”

It hits me that I’d been doing the same thing with Chloe. But the difference is that Chloe and I had a “no strings attached” agreement.

Whereas Jen fed me “I love you’s” and “I need you’s” constantly.

“It’s not true Josh, and you know it,” she says, her voice shaking. “I never lied to you. I do love you.”

I look down, shoulders sagging in defeat. I feel her drop her hand on my arm, but I’m quick to pull away from her touch.

“You never even took the time to really make love with me,” I whisper, realization hitting me like a ton of bricks. “It was always quickies. Before your parents come back, not too long so people wouldn’t talk, squeezed in a quick break. When we had time ahead of us, you were always too tired to do anything more than just a few pecks.”

“It’s just a coincidence. You’re not being fair, Josh.”

I finally find the courage to turn around, and the loss I see in her eyes makes me do a double-take. But I’m not done, and I don’t want to be fooled by her anymore. I want to stand up for myself. I need it.

“Not that I care that much, really,” I add, looking away. “I was perfectly content with lying there with you in my arms. You were making me dream. It was nice while it lasted.”

She doesn’t answer straightaway. Instead, her eyes get full of tears. I start to feel guilty for lashing out at her that way.

“Hey,” I say softly. “It’s okay. I’ll get over it. See, I told you he’d change his mind! It just took longer than we all expected.”

The sarcastic smile on my lips almost hurts.

“The truth is that I’m confused,” she says in a raspy voice. “He said he wanted us to get back together, but I never said that’s what I wanted. I just... I don’t know. I thought I would figure it out during this trip –“

“So that’s why you were all over me all the time,” I sigh, shaking my head. “You were testing your feelings.”

“No. But you have to understand!” She’s gesturing wildly, emphasizing her point. “I’ve had feelings for you for over a year, now! But I think I love him too. I’m confused, Josh, just so fucking confused...” her voice gets fainter as she lowers herself to the floor, hiding her face in her hands. “I don’t know what I want.”

I let out a deep sigh.

“Jen...” I start, kneeling before her.”You know how I feel about you. This, what we had started... I was feeling good. I’m not ready to let go... but I don’t want you to be with me if you don’t love me. So I won’t do anything to keep you from going. In the circumstances... it’s better for us both to be friends. Just friends.”

It kills me to admit it. But I just can’t fathom being in a relationship with her if there’s even the slightest possibility she’s still in love with someone else. She has to understand that it’s better this way – at least until she figures out where she stands. For real.

I won’t fight to save a doomed relationship.

She looks up suddenly. The sight of her eyes, so full of tears, feels like a punch in the gut. But somehow, even though she doesn’t realize it, she’s already made her choice, which makes it even more logical to end it all here, tonight.

“Josh, I do love you-“

“No,” I interrupt her, a sad smile on my lips. “You know what I mean, Jen. But just... be careful okay? He broke your heart once, who’s to say he’s not gonna do it again, you know. I don’t want it to happen, because I hate to see you hurt... so you gotta be careful.”

“I don’t know what I want, Josh, that’s the thing. I don’t know if I still love him, or if I love you.”

I shake my head sadly.

“Well, I know. You don’t love me. Cause if you truly did, you wouldn’t be here today, basically telling me we’re over.” I take a deep breath. “It’s alright, Jen. I’ve told you all along that you still loved him. It was obvious. Now just... let me move on. That’s all I ask.”

Her face quickly twists into an angry one.

“How dare you tell me how I feel!” she snaps. “You have no fucking idea! None! I was happy with you too! I was getting over him now.”

“Well. Maybe when you’re the one to break up, I’ll trust us again.”

“Josh...”

I stand up, and leave the bathroom without a single look behind.

 

* * *

 

 

_Five months later_

“Have you ever had your heart broken?”

I stare at the interviewer’s face, unable to hide my sad smile, and lean onto my motorcycle, looking down while I gather my thoughts. I finally look back up to give my answer, a rush of memories flooding through my brain.

“Of course.” I pause. “I think getting broken up with is worse than breaking up with somebody... For me, it hurts more when you’re ready for something to keep going and the other person isn’t.”

The memory of that fateful night at Woody’s house comes back in full force, and I work hard to steady my voice, trying to make a casual statement. I’ve had time to get over the heartbreak these last few months, as I was forced to spend several weeks away from her, and I met a girl who pays enough attention to me to fill the void Jen left in my heart when she decided to give another chance to her long-time relationship. But those first few weeks in Panama were the hardest. I was miserable whenever I wasn’t distracted by my job, my mind unable to stop trying to figure out where we went wrong.

I eventually realized it was fairly simple. I was ready to commit; she just wasn’t. Long after, it hit me that I was going through the same kind of pain she had experienced when her boyfriend broke up. When she was ready to keep it going, and he wasn’t. And at the time I figured that out, I knew it wouldn’t be fair of me to keep being angry at her for it.

Because if she came back, telling me she was over him and ready to give us a chance, I would jump into it without giving it a second thought.

Maybe that’s just what we’d need. Maybe there’s still a chance we’ll happen to be on the same page eventually. Maybe one day, she’ll make the final move.

And then, if she chooses me, it’ll be for the right reasons. But until then, I’m moving on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for breaking Josh’s heart so badly here. But that was kinda the point of the fic. I wanted to explore the popular headcanon that Josh and Jen had hooked up in Hawaii, pursued a casual relationship over awards season 2013, and Jen got afraid after the CF reshoots in Hawaii and decided to go back to Nick, therefore ending things with Josh. At the same time, I wanted to find a way to weave Chloe’s presence in Josh’s life, in a way that made sense while also making romantic Joshifer possible. I STRONGLY suggest you now go read “December 23rd" if you haven’t already, not because I want to pimp my own past work, but because when I figured out how sad the ending of "Broken Hearts" would be, I thought there was no way I could leave things so bleak between them. And then I remembered the untold backstory in "December 23rd"… which gave me the idea to make Broken Hearts into a prequel to that particular one-shot. This is where you’ll find a happy ending for that universe.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos and the comments!


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